Comedy Recommendation for the Weekend

Do you like to laugh?  Do you like babies?

Do you like to laugh at jokes about eating tasty babies?

If you answered “yes” to the final question, and lets not kid ourselves, of course you did, then click as fast as you can over to The Scathing Atheist and download this weeks episode.  Tom and Cecil of Cognitive Dissonance stop by and join Noah and Heath in an experiment to see if they can actually cause an atheist to laugh him or herself to death.  The title of the episode,the Spittoon Full of Fetuses Edition, refers to the gang’s brilliant idea to get southerners to support abortion rights.  30 seconds?  I want 30 minutes on the clock guys!

Anyway, click, download, listen, and when you snort whatever you’re drinking through your nose, I expect a “thank you” message in my inbox.

A Personalized Greeting!

Greetings to the person who found my blog by searching for “bigor cok hard fucking“.  I hope you are enjoying your visit.

I know this may be too personal of a question to answer, but I feel that I must ask.  While the “hard fucking” part of your search is obvious, the “bigor cok” part has me, I must admit, a bit confused.  Was it intended as “big old cock?”  Perhaps “big orc, ok?”  Was the “b” a typo and you were looking for porn starring Igor?

Because of the unfortunate lack of “hard fucking” here at Foster Disbelief, I doubt you will be around to read this post, but on the off chance that, while typing one handed in your frantic search for porn you happened to stumble upon a political/atheist/skeptical blog that you quickly favored before continuing on your quest, could you please drop me an e-mail explaining what you were actually searching for?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Wait. What’s That I Hear? No, It Can’t Be… It’s the GOP War on Women, 2015 Edition!!!!

Dear GOP.  Please hire Erick Erickson as your head of campaign strategy for 2016.  Please?

With that out of the way, let’s get to business.

As the videos continue to flow from the Center for Medical Progress (ahem, cough, great name), edited in a way that makes the editing of the film Expelled look totally honest and above board by comparison, anti-abortion extremists continue to use them as evidence in their witch hunt against Planned Parenthood.  Surprised?  Of course not, since this is a well-coordinated, multi-front attack on women’s access to reproductive health care.

“Well known” political hack and editor of the site where logic goes to die, Erick “Triple K” Erickson has laid out a challenge to the GOP on Red State, declaring the issue of funding for Planned Parenthood the hill the Republicans should win or die on. (Super big hat tip to Mock, Paper, Scissors for this one.  “Hi guys!”)

Republicans in the Congress are beginning to use the word “try.” They will try to defund Planned Parenthood. But the President has a veto and they do not have the votes to override the veto.

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) 47% has moved from try to “can’t.” He says Republicans cannot defund Planned Parenthood because of the President’s veto.

This is really, really simple.

If Republicans do not defund Planned Parenthood, they will see a great portion of their base vanish overnight. That is not an exaggeration.

Ummm.  Yeah, actually that is an exaggeration.  In fact, it is a textbook example of an exaggeration.  When the 2016 version of the dictionary gets released, it would not shock me to see Mr. Erickson’s statement there beside the word “exaggeration” as the given example.  Republicans are not going to defund Planned Parenthood, and a great portion of the lunatic fringe “base” is going to do what they do best: “rabble, rabble, rabble,” then move on.  Why?  Because Erick’s claim,

Planned Parenthood, we now know, is killing living children who have already been born, cutting them up, and harvesting their organs.

is bullshit ripped from a context-free, heavily edited hit video that even the far right anti-abortion activists, at least those with working brains, know is, well, bullshit.  The terrifying reality, however, is that this claim will be believed, not by anti-abortion organizers and politicians who are just cynically reaping the propaganda benefit of the videos, but rather by some of those “on the front line” protesters who really believe they are fighting a war, who are already of questionable mental stability with, unfortunately, unquestioned access to firearms.  Yeah, I hate to say this, but the above claim about Planned Parenthood will more than likely cost someone their life.  (But remember, right wing terrorism isn’t a problem)

But fear not, ye Republicans who realize that defunding Planned Parenthood is an outright impossibility under the current administration, good ole E-Squared (once again, hi Mock, Paper, Scissors!) has the tactic you need to succeed! (Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please listen to him!)

If Abraham Lincoln’s Party cannot go to war against that where war is not bullets, just a government shut down until the President relents, then Abraham Lincoln’s Party needs to be put on the ash heap of history. It really is that simple.

Okay, ignore the fact that if Lincoln was alive today the current Republican party would have him labeled a communist liberal social justice warrior and Erick Erickson would be writing hit pieces about him at Red State as we speak.  Did you catch it?  Here, let me help:

just a government shut down until the President relents

You got it now, didn’t ya?

a government shut down

Here, let me give it the bolding it deserves.

a government shut down

Maybe some italics even?

a government shut down

I know it’s too much information, but I think I need to change my shorts.

OMG, can you please shut down the government over this?  Pretty please?!?  How about right before the 2016 election?  Well, not “right before,” we need it to be long enough before that our senior citizens miss a Social Security check or two.

Republicans, I totally agree with Erick here.  Shut down the government over funding Planned Parenthood.  Wait, hold on…..  I mean:

OMG, Republicans, whatever you do, please DO NOT shut down the government over funding Planned Parenthood!  It would be such a political home run for your party, it would crush us progressives and hand the election to the GOP nominee on a silver platter.  Please, oh please, DO NOT shut down the government over this.

Did I sound believable?  Too eager?  Not seemingly frightened enough?  I’ll work on it.

Erick!  Do not let this ball drop!  The country depends on you sir.

Exclusive Breaking News About the New York Times!!!!

We here at Foster Disbelief can now confidently report that the New York Times, long considered the newspaper of record in the United States, is being controlled by a cabal of far right wing reptoids from the planet Gliese 581d.  Our incredibly trusted sources, with high level clearance, have assured us that these reptoids have taken control of the New York Times in an attempt to smear the Clinton family and defeat Hillary’s presidential campaign.  Never before has it been confirmed by such trusted sources that a United States media outlet has been taken over by aliens from a different star system.

We here at Foster Disbelief will be sure to bring you more information on this breaking story as it becomes available, but as the mainstream media starts to pick up this Pulitzer worthy story, remember where you heard it first!

Correction:  Our sources suck.  It is totally their fault.  We take no blame whatsoever.  Our sources have only ever been wrong one time before, when they insisted that grey aliens installed a base on the moon in order to mind control Mike Huckabee (turns out he is just that batshit insane all on his own), so with their incredible track record, we felt totes comfortable running with the story.  We are sorry our sources suck so badly.

Hmm. A “Wait, What?!?,” a Jumped Shark, or Just Plain Disgusting?

Don’t get me wrong, fighting the war to end slavery was a moral good, its just that sometimes I wish these people were from a different country so we weren’t associated with them.

From Alabama, surprise surprise, courtesy of ThinkProgress:

Alabama officials are currently seeking to prevent a pregnant prison inmate from obtaining a legal abortion by stripping her of her parental rights, in a case where a lawyer has been appointed to represent the interests of her fetus.

Because inmates don’t have rights, and women shouldn’t, of course.  Come along and get depressed with me.

An unnamed woman, who is referred to in court documents only as Jane Doe, is asking for permission to travel to Huntsville to end her pregnancy. She says she was unable to get an abortion before she was taken into custody and is now feeling desperate. “I am very distraught, and do not want to be forced to carry this pregnancy to term,” she wrote.

Jane Doe — who has to get permission from the court to be transported to the nearest clinic because prison officials consider abortion to be a non-emergency procedure — is being represented by the American Civil Liberties Union, which argues that it would be “cruel and unusual punishment” for the state of Alabama to deny her constitutional right to abortion.

Yet another reason why, as poor as I am, I still give money to the ACLU.  Forcing a woman to carry a fetus to term because she is incarcerated is, if not cruel and unusual punishment, at the least all kinds of fucked up.  So, what tactics will Alabama use to force this women to incubate a baby for the state?

Now, as Lauderdale County District Attorney Chris Connolly prepares to argue against this request, he is asking the court to strip Doe of her parental rights so that she will no longer have the right to end her pregnancy. In a hearing to determine the outcome of the case, which is expected to be decided by Friday, the state court appointed an attorney — known as a “guardian ad litem” — to serve on behalf of Doe’s fetus.

Yep, they are attempting to take away her parental rights before the fetus is even viable outside the womb.  And if you can manage to look past what this says Alabama thinks about women and their “rights,” it doesn’t get any better.  This clump of cells will be better represented than Jane Doe would no doubt be, if not for the probable pro bono work of the ACLU, and definitely represented more effectively than every single “innocent until proven guilty” defendant who has to rely on a public defender.  Unless, to be fair, this particular guardian ad litem happens to also be representing 300 other cell clumps each week.  That would be quite doubtful in most states, but this is Alabama.

“It appears to me that what the state is attempting to do is turn Jane Doe into a vessel, and control every aspect of her life, forcing her to give birth to a baby, which she has decided she does not want to do,” Randall Marshall, one of Doe’s attorneys, told the Huffington Post. “The case has certainly moved to this new dimension, but welcome to Alabama.”

Hey, I finally get to use a slippery slope argument!  If this tactic works, what exactly is stopping Alabama from forcibly impregnating all fertile female inmates?  I mean, if it is in the interest of the state for fetuses to be carried to term in prison, and if women are nothing but incubators, which is what a decision for the state in this case would literally mean, then isn’t that the obvious next step?  What’s that?  This case is different because she needs to face the consequences of being sexually active?  Fine then, only forcibly impregnate the sexually active female inmates.  After all, Alabama apparently has a pressing need for unwanted prison babies.

Hell, that is less of a stretch than marriage equality leading to legalized pedophilia.

Hey, as long as you’ll let all your citizens immigrate freely to another state if they so desire, I’ll help you file the succession paper work.  Think about it!  No more Obama, no more Obamacare, no more pesky separation of church and state, and as a third world nation, think of all the sweet aid you’ll get from European nations and the UN!  You can even fly that damn flag whenever you want.  Do it now and we’ll let you take Mississippi and Georgia as well.

 

If I Lure Your Dog Out of Your Yard and Shoot it, Is That Still Hunting?

“Dude, you fucking shot my dog, what the hell!!?”

“Your dog?  Well, it wasn’t in your yard.”

“That’s because you lured her into the street with a steak you bastard.”

“Well, you should have a way to keep your dog in your yard then.”

“I have a fucking fence, you opened the damn gate and waved a steak around yelling ‘here girl, come get the nice steak’ then you shot her when she started to eat the steak.”

“Well, I didn’t know it was your dog.”

Yeah, I know.  Sounds unlikely, doesn’t it?  To make it realistic I guess it would have to be a friendly lion named Cecil and instead of a yard a national park, and instead of the shooter luring the animal outside of the safe zone, it would be a hunting guide.

There.  Sounds more realistic now, but just as disgusting.  From ThinkProgress:

Palmer took an unsporting and incompetent approach to Cecil, according to reports. The dentist and his guides reportedly used bait to lure the animal out of the park land where it would have been illegal to shoot him and used a spotlight to illuminate Palmer’s shot.

So, in case you haven’t heard this story yet, this American dentist by the name of Walter Palmer*, who seems to make a habit out of paying large sums of money to kill beautiful animals to make up for his micropenis**, once again paid a large sum of cash in order to kill a lion in the vain hope that the lion’s death would cause his micropenis** to pass the 2cm benchmark.  Wait, wait, hold on there!  There are two details that set this apart from your average, everyday story about a micropenised** American paying large amounts of money to kill exotic and/or endangered animals in order to get a real, live, non-Real Doll woman to swoon over his manliness and just maybe touch him**.   First off, the exceedingly ethical guides he paid lured a well-loved celebrity lion out of a national park to his death.  And secondly, as if this can get more disgusting, apparently Walter Palmer’s micropenis is so damn small** that, like Ted Nugent, using a gun is not manly enough for him.

Hunting ethics revolve around swift killshots that do not cause suffering. Cecil was still alive more than a day and a half after Palmer’s initial, well-lit bow-and-arrow shot failed to kill. (Bolding is mine.)

Some justice will hopefully be served in this case:

Two men will face charges in a Zimbabwe courtroom on Wednesday that they took bribes from an American dentist to guide him on an illegal hunt of a beloved local lion.

Walter Palmer and his micropenis** however, will seemingly get off with nothing but a trashed Yelp page and immense internet backlash.

While Cecil the lion spent a day and a half in agony before his death, all so the dentist Walter Palmer could feel a bit better about his micropenis**, that unfortunately is not the end to the lion death caused by his bow.  From the Telegraph:

Dr Andrew Loveridge, one of the principal researchers on the project, told the publication that Cecil and another male lion named Jericho led two prides with six lionesses and a dozen young cubs, and he feared for the safety of the cubs now Cecil had been killed.

“Jericho as a single male will be unable to defend the two prides and cubs from new males that invade the territory. This is what we most often see happening in these cases. Infanticide is the most likely outcome,” he said.

Walter Palmer of course claims complete innocence in the matter.  After all, he’s just a real American dentist who only gets to feel like a man when he uses a bow and arrow to kill magnificent animals due to his world record micropenis**.  However, since this is not the first time he’s run afoul of the law, I would take his pleas with a few grains of salt.

Mr Palmer has also run into legal woes. In 2008, court records show, he pleaded guilty to making a false statement to federal wildlife officials concerning the exact location of the slaying of a black bear during a guided hunt in Wisconsin. He was sentenced to a year probation.

Now I want to be completely crystal clear on some things here.  First off, I just ate a rather large, rare steak.  I understand the ethical arguments for vegetarianism, have spent a year in the past as a vegetarian, and in a perfect world, would more than likely not eat meat.  Its not a perfect world, I’m not perfect, and due to that, I’m not going to be a hypocrite and make the “killing any animal is always wrong” argument.  Next off, as I’ve stated several times on this blog in several different posts, while I personally could never kill an animal, I am not against hunting.  I come from Pennsyltucky, where the first day of deer season is literally a school holiday.  If I would have been born 10 years earlier, my father probably would have taken me hunting as a kid.  As it turned out, his mobility was heading downhill by the time of my birth and I avoided that father/son bonding process.  As a backpacker/hiker, license fees for hunting are used to conserve quite a bit of land that I use fairly often.  I understand the conservation arguments in favor of hunting, as I am aware of arguments against hunting.  I’ll be honest; I do not have an informed opinion on the matter.  I really do not know enough of the evidence for each side, and I already spend quite a bit of time making sure I am informed on the issues I really care about.  This is exactly what I was saying earlier this week: we may have a right to them, but our ignorant opinions do not deserve respect, and I’m not about to take a strong stand on an issue I am effectively ignorant on.  And if I was to quit eating meat and become an activist for animal rights, there are many issues I would place ahead of putting a stop to hunting; things like factory farms, the horrible conditions in slaughterhouses, raising cattle when the feed could be used to feed many more humans than the beef can, and the amount of methane produced by cattle farming, to name but a few.  I just want to be clear where I am coming from here.  I am not an anti-hunting absolutist, nor an animal rights extremist.

I am even aware that there are legitimate arguments for allowing men from America (and elsewhere, I guess) who have a large enough bankroll and small enough penis** to kill big game from Africa.  Perhaps someday American billionaires will get sick of running their own personal Presidential candidate (or perhaps Citizens United will be overturned) and they will instead use their money to fund wildlife conservation.  (Quit laughing.  It could happen!)  Until that, more than likely, imaginary day, the conservation money has to come from somewhere.  (And once again, I am too ignorant on the issue to really hold an informed opinion, but in this instance I will admit that I lean on the side where no white rhinos get shot by micropenised** Americans.)

But this isn’t even hunting.  This was an execution.  Or, as ThinkProgress says (and all bolding is mine, as always):

Hunting ethics revolve around swift killshots that do not cause suffering. Cecil was still alive more than a day and a half after Palmer’s initial, well-lit bow-and-arrow shot failed to kill.

“I think it’s an abomination, for a number of reasons,” lifelong hunter, journalist, and author Jonny Miles told ThinkProgress. “On the specifics of the hunt, with baiting, with using lights, and also killing a lion that has a pride – all of it just adds up to an incredibly unethical, unscrupulous way of going about this.”

Hunters pride themselves on having the patience and skill to fell an animal immediately with a single shot. “An ethical hunter is one who seeks out the best possible shot that results in the quickest possible kill,” Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation (RMEF) public relations director Mark Holyoak told ThinkProgress. Holyoak wouldn’t discuss the reports about Palmer’s hunt, but stressed the more general importance of being swift and sure.

Attempting a shot that’s beyond your own skill level is abhorrent to many, because it puts the personal glory of a long-range kill over the imperative to honor your prey by adhering to the principles of “fair chase.” The reported details of Palmer’s hunt do not match those principles.

“This is much closer to assassination than hunting,” Miles said, adding that a bad shot is “the most traumatic thing that can happen in a hunt.” For him and many other hunters, it’s imperative to eat what you kill. Antlers make a nice trophy, but “the trophy aspect is subordinate to the experience, to the knowledge required and the knowledge gained, to the very ancient relationship that you are experiencing with an animal that you are hunting for food.”

Hunting shouldn’t be about ego,” he said. “It should be the opposite. It should be about awe at the natural world.”

Note that these are not the words of anti-hunting activists.  They are the words of active hunters.

My advice to Walter Palmer?  Call or write Dan Savage.  Not all women care about size, and many men with a micropenis** can have fulfilling sex lives.  Tell him your fears and insecurities, and I am sure he will assure you that you do not have to slaughter these animals to prove your manhood.  If you really must kill something, may I suggest harvesting deer and donating the venison to someone or someplace in need rather than executing and decapitating a magnificent animal for a trophy?

And if any other dentists practice with you, do them a favor and tell them to get their own Yelp page.  Cause yours is forever screwed.

 

* Good luck getting this page to load.  It is his introduction page from his dental practice’s web site, in case you were wondering, and no, it won’t come up for me either.

** allegedly/alleged.  Well, not for Ted Nugent, his micropenis is common knowledge***.

*** Thank you, Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell

 

 

Oh, Snap!!!! The Ball’s in Your Court Now, Donald.

In a side competition of the 2016 Goat Rodeo (hiya Mock, Paper, Scissors), the contest to say the most outlandishly offensive thing without offending the lunatic fringe base of the GOP (Imagine what it would take to offend them at this point.  Scary, no?), we have a new candidate in the top spot who somehow managed to dethrone The Donald.  That candidate?  Mike Huckabee.  From ThinkProgress:

“By doing so, he will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven,” he reportedly said.

*blank stare* *dropped jaw* *blink* *slow face palm*  Does it even matter what he was talking about?  No, not really, but in case you were wondering, he was talking about the Iran deal.  Of course.

You know, I used to think it took a lot of chutzpah when the radical anti-abortion activists would compare legalized reproductive health care to the Holocaust.  But damn, if that takes shameless audacity what the hell does a comment like this from a “mainstream” candidate seeking the Presidential nomination of one of the two major political parties?

And do not let that “reportedly said” bit fool you.  He said it, and his campaign is running with it.

CK3cdg8UcAAbcwl

Well now, Mr. Huckabee, since I can see you are thinking about this rationally, I am sure we can have a fruitful discussion on US/Iranian relations.

This is seriously what politics has become in the US?

 

Theo I Could See, But Cliff?

Presented without comment (because something like this really needs no additional comment, ) the powerful cover of the latest issue of New York Magazine, via Think Progress.

newyorkmag-816x1087

CREDIT: New York Magazine

Yeah! Those Sex Gods Aren’t Getting My Childre….Wait, What?!?

Proving once again that “WingNutDaily” should be its legitimate name rather than just a nickname used by us evil liberals, Patrice Lewis’ latest column at WorldNetDaily is a bit…..  Oh hell, I’d call it a bit delusional, but the thing is practically grounds for a involuntary psych commitment.  I refuse to link to WND since I have no idea what I would catch, but that’s what RightWingWatch is for, right?

The indoctrination taking place in school is nothing short of disgusting. Rather than concentrating on reading and writing, math and science, history and geography, students are instructed from kindergarten on the variations in human sexuality, encouraged to choose their gender du jour, and otherwise spoon-fed stimuli far beyond their capacities to comprehend.

1. Citation needed.
2. Seriously, if that is what you think is going on in public schools then you really need to pay attention to sources other than WingNutDaily.
3. Of course, if you want to know who really wants to limit concentrating on, say, science and history, I suggest you either find a mirror or look to where you get your information from.  Considering the actions of those in Texas to manipulate public school history standards to teach a politically biased version of the subject, the outright denial of climate science by practically the entire Republican party, and the far right’s drive to remove the linchpin of biology from class and replace it with a religious myth, those on the right really shouldn’t be lecturing people on education.
4. Citation fucking needed.

In contrast to the “empowerment” bleat put out by feminists trying to justify their slutty behavior, sexualization teaches girls they’re not worth much more than the sum of their body parts. Forget what’s between their ears – the only thing that’s important is what’s between their legs. Anything it takes to attract a sex partner – makeup, clothing, behavior, language – becomes the focus of sexualization. Rather than learning to express themselves with their unique talents, gifts, interests or skills, girls are encouraged to flaunt their bodies.

Oh this is fucking rich.  Want to talk about teaching “girls they’re not worth much more than the sum of their body parts”?  How about purity pledges, purity balls, and just about every Christian teaching on the importance of a woman’s virginity on her wedding night?  “Girls are encouraged to flaunt their bodies”?  How about girls are encouraged to shut the fuck up, make her husband a sammich, and lay down and take it whenever he desires?

Perhaps the worst thing, tying into my earlier post, is that right now there are some people reading her column amazed and outraged that they have removed all the real subjects from public schools in favor of bell to bell sexual indoctrination, and they will talk to other people and vote as if that was actual fact, worrying that they have to:

Protect your children. Don’t sacrifice them to the sex gods.

Someday I may understand the cognitive dissonance required for followers of a religion that teaches that lying is a sin to outright lie more than Bristol Palin with a check from Candie’s in her hand.

Just an FYI

While I understand that the science is not yet in, and that the information we do have suggests that those susceptible to pneumonia need to stay the fuck away from the product, I still want to mention that after smoking cigarettes for nearly 28 years, most of those being at least a pack a day years, I have recently quit (finally) through vaping.  By no means was it an overnight occurrence, as it took me a while to find the right set up (at a pack a day of American Spirit full flavors, the throat hit and nicotine I needed ruled out the cute little e-cigs sold by the major tobacco companies), but once I had the right equipment and the right juice, I cut down to one cig a day immediately.  A week later, I dropped that last one and have been only vaping for a while now.

I’ll be honest.  Those who don’t already smoke shouldn’t pick up vaping.  Nicotine is a stupid drug to get addicted to (what is the upside exactly?  At least with heroin I was high.) and we really don’t know enough about the long term effects to recommend vaping the no nicotine juices.  I also do not personally see myself vaping forever, although at the moment I have no foreseeable plans to stop.  But for those of you who are smokers and have tried and failed to quit using the gum and/or the patch, or whatever else they have now, vaping is an option that has worked for quite a few people I never thought would quit.  Hell, I never thought I would quit.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 88 other followers