Would you like some snark with your afternoon coffee? Here are two stories full of it, one from The Onion, and one that looks like it’s from The Onion.
ATLANTA—As part of its recent efforts to publicly align itself with fundamentalist Christian values, the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain announced today the debut of its new Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu sandwich that would be on sale in all of the company’s 1,600 restaurants this Wednesday.
“The Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu is our company’s way of showing our firm commitment to strong, Christian family values,” said Chick-fil-A spokesman Robert Gary, before adding that the vehemently anti-gay rights sandwich comes served in a combo with waffle fries and a medium soda for just $6.95. “From the very first morsel of this savory meal to the very last bite, customers can envision gays burning in hell with their sodomizing cohorts, and know that our sandwich is on their side.”
This next story smells like The Onion to me, and it even originally comes from a normally satirical blog, Jesus’ General. But the General says it is a true story from Bryan Young the producer and assistant director of “This Divided State“, and it has been picked up at The Stranger and Mock, Paper, Scissors. It still sounds too good to be true to me, but even if it never happened, it is definitely funny.
One day in 2010 the baristas were surprised to see Mitt Romney and his wife come to the counter.
Since they’re both Mormon, neither ordered a coffee drink. They each ordered a hot chocolate and took them… without tipping. It seemed odd for someone so wealthy not to tip, but no one thought of it as a big deal. Baristas usually make less than minimum wage and make their living on tips. I understand that it’s not worth Bill Gates’ time to pick up a hundred dollar bill, but Mr. Millionaire couldn’t dump his change in the tip jar?
The man was out of touch…
…only they didn’t know just how out of touch he was until later.
On their way out, Ann throws away her half-consumed hot chocolate, but Mitt approaches the counter. “I know you guys can’t sell this again, but I was wondering if one of you guys wanted the rest of my hot chocolate.”
“No thanks,” one of the other baristas told him, wondering if this was some sort of bizarre joke.
“I don’t want to waste it, there’s still plenty left, it’s still perfectly good…”
You know, I can even picture Mitt doing that.