Hey Animal Planet! Send Your Idiots This Way!!!!

Animal Planet needs to send the Finding Bigfoot “true believers” to Pennsylvania!  (Again?  I think they were here once already but I have better things to do than watch people walk around with night vision cameras and cook bacon for imaginary primates…)  But if they do come, they need to leave someone to watch their van, because Bigfoot is apparently an obnoxious teenage vandal.  Or is he?  Does this AP article even have a point?  I report, you decide!

From the Washington Examiner (because their article title amused me…)

LYKENS, Pa. (AP) — A central Pennsylvania man is giving state police a lead as they look into who might have damaged his 1973 Winnebago: A bigfoot.

State police said Friday a trooper took a report in Lykens, 30 miles northeast of Harrisburg, for a report that taillights and windows on the RV had been smashed.

John Reed tells police that a large, brown, hunched-over bigfoot has been seen nearby. The 39-year-old Reed is a veteran bigfoot hunter, and maintains the Lykens Valley Sasquatch Hunters page on Facebook.

Reed says he’s been seeing bigfoots in the area and studying them for about three decades, but he’s not sure if one of the furry menaces is responsible for damaging his vehicle.

Police are calling it an incident of criminal mischief.

Let’s break this story down, shall we?

  1. A RV was vandalized in Lykens, Pa.
  2. A man who often sees Sasquatches (Sasquatchi?) tells police that he saw a Sasquatch.
  3. The AP connects the obvious dots.
  4. Profit!?

Note that the guy who sees Sasquatches (I still like Sasquatchi) makes no claim that the damage to his RV was caused by a Bigfoot.  In his mind, the damage to the vehicle and the local Bigfoot appearing are completely separate incidents only connected by the AP writer.  Which leads me to ask the obvious question about this article:

Why is John Reed lying to protect this “furry menace” to society?  Is the Sasquatch in fact blackmailing John Reed, forcing him to keep silent on the Bigfoot’s vandalism?

Why John?  Why?  Halloween is fast approaching, and if Bigfoot is brazen enough to vandalize the RV of the only person who can see him, who knows what string of tricks the Sasquatch is planning for Samhain.  Houses will be TP’d.  Eggs will be thrown.  Shit will be placed into paper bags, placed on porches, and lit on fire.  (Assuming Bigfoot has access to a match or a lighter, that is…)  For God’s sake, this renegade Sasquatch may even ignore the sign that reads “Take One, Please” placed on the big bowl of mini candy bars by people too lazy to hand out treats themselves.

Mr. Reed, it is your civic duty to come forward with whatever evidence you possess that can tie this Sasquatchian hooligan to his crimes.  I don’t know what he is using to blackmail you, but it can not be worth the price of inaction.  Think of the children!

Oh, and it says that you’ve been seeing Sasquatchi for nearly three decades.  Have you heard about the latest invention?  It is called a camera.  You see, you point it at something and then through magic (well, not really, but I don’t feel like explaining how it works) it makes a lasting image of what you pointed it at that other people can  examine.  If you know about this dazzling new technology already, I have to question why you haven’t already used it to take a picture (that’s what the image the camera makes is called) of the Sasquatch.  If it is because the Sasquatch doesn’t like to be photographed (that’s what taking a picture of something with the camera is called) , you should explain to him (or her) that the picture would be worth a lot of money and you would share the cash with him (or her).

The Sasquatch is going to need bail money after you turn him/her in, after all.

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