Collected Hilarity in Response to the Supreme Court’s DOMA Ruling

It’s the end of the world!  Or of America!  It’s the beginning of an age of persecution against Christians!  A sign that Christians will be thrown into FEMA prison camps sooner rather than later!  It’s a call for revolution, or for secession.  It’s a reason for government employees to not do their jobs!  It’s the Supreme Court rulings on gay marriage, and it has caused the clutching of more pearls, the twisting of more knickers, and the bunching of more panties amongst wingnuts than the teaching of evolution, a shortage of altar boys with especially cute mouths, and a non-submissive woman mistakenly signing up for Christian Mingle combined!  Let’s look at just a few of the many hilarious, and since these people are actually serious, horrifying reactions to the actions of the Supreme Court.  Lots of thanks to Ed Brayton and Dispatches from the Culture Wars for calling most of these to my attention.  All bolding will be mine unless noted.

We’ll begin with Bradlee Dean, sub-par Christian rock drummer, possible repressed homosexual who allegedly uses hate to suppress his implied desire to drink semen from the spigot, filer of one of the stupidest lawsuits in the last 10 years (Protip: You can’t sue someone for quoting you accurately.), and founder of You Can Run… Ministries.:

This morning, the Supreme Court once again usurped their authority by committing an abomination (1 Corinthians 6:9-10, 1 Timothy 1:9, Romans 1:24, Leviticus 18:22, 20:13, Jude 1:7) when unlawfully wading outside of their jurisdiction and meddling with the God-ordained definition of marriage. A 5-4 ruling has overturned key parts of DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act). The Supreme Court also dismissed an appeal made by 7 million people of California who twice voted to ban homosexual marriage in their state (Prop 8), claiming their appeal “has no standing.”

It is clear to see that this was a planned agenda aimed at fundamentally destroying, not transforming, America.

Just like Roe v. Wade, this immoral, unconstitutional, and unlawful decision was against the will of the people. If the Supreme Court is left unchecked, this decision will bring about another bout of devastation and destruction to America – especially the young generation.

As mentioned earlier, Obama already spent $350 million on a sexualized curriculum, called the Personal Responsibility Education Program. The minds of America’s children will be raped of their innocence as they undergo sexual indoctrination.

America, simply put, this is criminal.

Well, as long as we’re being rational about this.  For those with the time, it is worth it to go to the link and read Bradlee’s whole post, if just for the timeline of events leading to the Supreme Courts ruling, and the list of “the consequences of homosexual marriage,” which somehow include sex education and more poverty.  Remember, this guy does events for teenagers, college students, and younger children.

You Can Run But You Cannot Hide International hosts a variety of event venues such as: Arenas, Festivals, High School Assemblies, Churches, Detention Centers, Prisons, etc.

Bradlee Dean and The Junkyard Prophet, spreading hate to children’s minds, one city at a time.

Moving from Christian heavy metal motivational hate speakers to batshit insane Christian radio hosts, we next stop for a moment with the host of TruNews, Rick Wiles.

“Life in America changed today to life in Mystery Babylon,” Wiles lamented, arguing that the DOMA ruling is part of a larger “war on the laws of God and the Christian heritage of the United States of America” that is leading America into a “moral sinkhole.”

He claimed that District Court Judge Vaughn Walker’s ruling that Prop. 8 is unconstitutional is a “sign of just how far insanity has gripped the judiciary,” wondering: “how long until the Supreme Court rules that the US Constitution itself is unconstitutional?

Wiles speculated that “Chairman Obama” will soon force churches to conduct same-sex marriages as part of his “cultural revolution.”

Wiles quickly realized that this Supreme Court ruling was going to draw out all the wingnuts, and that he would have to go the extra mile of crazy to stand out this time.  So the crazy meter got turned up to 11:

“Why do I have this gnawing feeling in my gut that the real reason to militarize the border is not to keep the Mexicans out but to keep the Americans in? It is looking increasingly obvious that the national security apparatus is systematically locking down the country. At some point Americans desiring to flee the growing tyranny in the USA will not be allowed to leave, and we’ll have to float on rafts to Cuba to get away from El Presidente Obama’s Communist revolution.

Of course, the real question is whether or not Cuba will enact a wet feet/dry feet policy for the countless refugees fleeing the United States.

Not willing to admit defeat in the Insane Overreactions, Radio Division contest,  Colorado pastors Kevin Swanson and Dave Buehner on Generations Radio have responded to the Supreme Court’s rulings on DOMA and Prop 8:

Harkening back to an earlier program about how Star Trek allegedly promotes bestiality, Buehner claimed that “cross-species” marriages and unions with “non-life forms” will soon become all the rage: “there are some people who love their MacBooks.” Swanson even wondered about people who “want to marry their Pet Rock.

But don’t get too excited about marrying your laptop or Pet Rock just yet, as Swanson notes that “at this point it’s the destruction of civilization.”

Swanson and Buehner both agreed that gay couples don’t actually want to get married but only seek to “stick a finger in the eye of God and to destroy civilization,” and not to mention “drag feces all over one of the most beautiful things God has created.

“It’s all about committing cultural suicide,” Swanson explained, “the Supreme Court of the United States took a gun, put it to its own head and pulled the trigger because now we’re looking at a civilization committing suicide.

While the suggestion of marrying objects deserves no response other than mocking laughter, the cross-species issue gets the same answer that the suggestion that gay marriage will lead to adults marrying children gets:  What is it about the concept of “consent” that wingnuts can not grasp?  Riddle me this.  What do a child, a dog, a dolphin, a great white shark, a hamster, and a gorilla have in common?  None of them can consent to getting married, or for that matter, fucked, by a human of any sexual orientation.  Deal with it.

Leaving the radio waves, we will now move into the great wide world of cultural advocacy groups.  First stop, Mission America‘s Linda Harvey:

It’s our children, especially those children in the states and the District of Columbia where this is now legal, who will suffer the most because their access to truth is going to be denied,” Harvey said. “Homosexual militants will now have their dreams fulfilled that American children will march to this new tune.”

Harvey even called on parents in marriage equality states to take their kids out of the public school system: “Concerned parents would be wise in same-sex parents states to remove your children from the public schools, things are about to get very oppressive for people of faith.”

Don’t worry Linda.  You will still be free to teach little Johnny to hate whoever you want him to hate, and to discriminate against whoever you want him to discriminate against.  The government will just no longer take part.  I mean, you are for smaller government, right?

Next stop, the Alliance Defending Freedom: (Just a note, the tab at the top of firefox for this website says “page not found,” but the page is still showing up as of 12:56 pm, est.  Just in case the link stops working, it was working when I wrote this.  If it breaks, let me know and I’ll post a google cached version of the site.)

Alliance Defending Freedom is advising Delaware clerks of the peace that they do not have to violate their faith or conscience by solemnizing relationships inconsistent with their sincerely held religious beliefs about marriage.

A legal memo issued Friday advises clerks of the peace and their deputies that provisions in state law allow them to authorize a deputy to solemnize a marriage in the case of absence or disability. The memo explains that because the state offers an exemption to clerks in these cases, it also has an obligation to exempt clerks if their conscience prevents them from solemnizing certain relationships.

“No American should be forced to give up a freedom protected by the First Amendment, and no American should be coerced to give up his or her career to maintain that freedom,” said Litigation Counsel Kellie Fiedorek. “Religious freedom is guaranteed to every American, including those authorized to solemnize marriages under Delaware law. No one should have to choose between their conscience and their job in America.”

Fiedorek explained that Delaware can respect the faith and conscience of its clerks while providing no impediment to carrying out the law.

The memo states that, in light of Delaware’s “recent law redefining marriage to include same-sex couples,” some clerks “might believe that they face a serious dilemma: either resign their positions or violate their sincerely held religious beliefs by issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples.” The memo explains, however, that in order to resolve this potential conflict, “the clerk may authorize a deputy to solemnize the marriage.”

Sorry.  Fail.  As Ed Brayton states over at Dispatches…:

Nope. Wrong. They can’t refuse to issue a marriage license to a gay couple any more than they could refuse to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple, no matter how sincerely they hold a religious belief that demands that they do so. No one would think for a moment that a clerk’s religious freedom would allow them to refuse to issue driver’s licenses to women or black people and that is precisely the same situation. On the job, they are the government and the government cannot discriminate in this manner. This is not even remotely controversial, nor should it be.

And finally, Renew America and Paul Craft have a completely original idea for what to do when the federal government oversteps its bounds by outlawing slavery throwing out DOMA:

American society has changed to a society where there is no longer a sense of right and wrong. The Supreme Court ruled that gay people can now marry and have the same rights as Biblically ordained marriages between a man and a woman. It will only get worse from here. Next, Christians will be warned that spoken words based on the bible toward homosexuals will not be tolerated.

My opinion is that this day, June 26, 2013, is the beginning of the end for the United States of America. Christians, conservatives, and liberals to a small degree, who believe in the Judeo-Christian values of our forefathers will find them boxed in by the government police and men and women in society who will elect to stay quiet instead of facing pressure from society. We will no longer have a place to hide.

From my perspective, for us to follow the laws handed down by God, we have only one option and that is to secede from the union.

What a novel idea.  I wonder why no one ever tried that before?

From cultural advocacy groups to right wing propaganda mills news organizations, we stop over at the WND:

The Supreme Court virtually declared an open season on those with whom the 5-4 majority disagree.

We are no longer relevant. What we think no longer counts. We are, after all, bigots who only want to demean homosexuals.

So when does the persecution begin?

When are we stripped of our citizen status, the right to vote, the right to bear arms and other constitutionally guaranteed liberties? Isn’t that next?

Awww.  Do you need a cry towel?  Hey, Joseph Farah?  U Mad Bro?

Give me a break. A.)  No one is going to strip you of your citizenship, or your constitutionally guaranteed liberties.  Even members of the KKK are still citizens.  B.) You are no longer relevant.  What you think counts less and less as the years go on.  Why?  Because you are bigots on the wrong side of history.  And while your article is much longer than the snippet I chose to quote, I am not going to deal with any more of it.  Why?  Because frankly, I don’t give a shit what you think because you are an irrelevant homophobic bigot.


Charisma News and Ted Baehr?  Who?  Where?  Oh, well.:

Ted Baehr, world-renowned speaker and scholar, says the Supreme Court’s ruling Wednesday that effectively legalized same-sex marriage is unconstitutional.

“Neither the court, the state, the president, the Congress, nor even the voters have the right to legalize same-sex marriage,” Baehr says. “It violates the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, which states that Congress can’t deny anyone the freedom to worship.

Wait.  What?  What the fuck does that have to do with anything?  Seriously, if you have the time, go read this one.  It makes most of the others on this list look relatively sane.

Finally, after all that, we will turn to the world of elected officials.  And just to make sure the hilarity continues, let’s choose Rep. Louie Gohmert:

Gohmert reacted to the court’s rulings by quoting “the wisest man in the history of mankind,” King Solomon, while lamenting that his wisdom was “ruined” by engaging in polygamy (which also happens to undermine Gohmert’s case that there was just one definition of marriage in the Bible).

“He should’ve stuck with one man and one wife and I think he’d stay wise the rest of his life,” Gohmert said of Solomon, “but during a period of wisdom he said, ‘There is nothing new under the sun,’ and the holy quintet [the Supreme Court] had not apparently realized that, they really thought this was something new and improved.”

The congressman then delved into the world of philosophy: “From a philosophical standpoint, you know, we got intellectuals on the court who are believed to support the idea that evolution is how mankind got here and there is an ongoing evolution occurring. And I can’t just help but wonder, as these brilliant intellectuals have gotten to this point, how marriage between two men fits into the evolving of producing higher offspring that make the species higher and better.”

Adams added the justices have sought to “change the laws of nature” and “alter what is reality,” while Gohmert referenced a Chiffon margarine commercial to warn the justices that they “shouldn’t mess with Mother Nature.”

Three cheers to all participants.  Way to make the most of your fading cultural relevance.


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