As readers of my blog are no doubt aware, the “Letters to the Editor” section of my local fishwrap is one of my daily must-reads. Sadly, the section has been a bit boring recently, with a distinct lack of letters that I suspect arrived at the paper scrawled in crayon. Thankfully someone at the Altoona Mirror decided to emulate a Mr. Timberlake, only instead of sexy, they chose to bring the crazy back.
Before I let the writer’s words speak for themselves, I want to point out that as far as I can figure out, this was sent in response to nothing in particular. No, this bit of pseudo scientific religious babble appeared out of the blue, lurking on the Opinion page, laying in wait for an innocent rational person to read, leading no doubt to countless spit-takes, face palms, and catastrophic head explosions.
I warn you. If you are drinking a tasty beverage while reading today, finish swallowing before you go any further. Cleaning coffee off of monitors is no fun at all. With that out of the way, on to the “Wait, What?!?” goodness. (I was thinking about responding to this letter, but other than “you are so wrong you aren’t even wrong” I don’t even know where to start.)
For years now, scientists have been trying to find the elusive “dark matter,” which they claim comprises over 90 percent of the universe.
They are also seeking the answer to why the galaxies are accelerating outward instead of slowing down from the big bang.
It just so happens that their dark matter is a globe of water surrounding the heavens.
It is the mass contained in this water that is providing the gravitational pull on the galaxies, causing their acceleration.
It is also possible that this water has frozen into a solid dome and, therefore, cannot collapse on itself. This would then provide a stable frame of reference until the galaxies reach it and their energy starts to melt it.
This approach not only makes sense logically. It is described in the very first chapter of the greatest textbook ever written.
Thomas J. Harclerode
I think it is safe to say I speak for the entire rational community when I respond, “Wait…..What!?!?!”