While reading an Inventory article on documentaries that saw their story and direction change drastically during filming, over at the AV Club, I noticed a sponsored link begging to be clicked upon. I hesitated briefly. The link was a potential rabbit hole, I knew, and I have spent far too much of my time wandering through them as of late. Just yesterday, two simple questions queried to Google led to sore eyes and a sore back as I finished the hours long chase by falling asleep at the keys, muttering “just one more theory,” as I once did with strategy PC games; “just one more turn.” Yet this link was not related in anyway to A Song of Ice and Fire. It was a link about a celebrity, and not a celebrity that has appeared on Game of Thrones either. Just click-bait, lying in wait, making its immodest claim and offering proof for the simple act of a left click. I am aware of Amanda Seyfried; I liked Mean Girls, though I can’t recall what I thought of her acting individually, which I imagine means she was at least passable. Until 30 seconds ago, I believed she played Peter Parker’s Russian neighbor, Ursula Ditkovich, in Sam Raimi’s Spider Man series. (A role actually played by Mageina Tovah. Oops.) Red Riding Hood was suitably awful, but her work as Sarah Henrickson on Big Love proved that she possesses legitimate acting talent. Strange how television is becoming the place, if you can wade past the reality show swamp and avoid the major network’s farm of clones, for well acted. “serious,” prestige projects.. (As I would surely choose Big Love over anything Ms. Seyfried has appeared in since departing the show, a similar choice would be made if confronted with the recent works of say, Woody Harrelson or Matthew McConaughey?*)
Avoiding that tangent, why does Amanda Seyfried have the best celebrity Instagram account? What sets her account apart from the endless swarm of other people, gifted for some reason with fame, who use social media to “connect with the fans” and gain more fame, or to connect with the fans and gain more fame. What moves her page above Dakota Fanning’s on the list? Who is keeping this list? Instead of searching out something to read on the AV Club, or playing a game on Steam, instead I found myself mentally calling “shenanigans” on a never visited web site based on the click bait sponsored link I noticed at random, only because I was out of open tabs. Now it would be more of a rabbit hole to not click the link. While I would almost certainly end my exploration of celebrity Instagram accounts where I began it, not clicking it would place me on a timeline where my last words, given either** at the age of 164 in a bed on the space hospital Inquiry 2, in orbit around Neptune, dying of lung cancer, the only disease not cured by science by 2050, or the age of 59, a split second before being swallowed by the wall of water from the Atlantic Ocean that decimated an area from New York state down to parts of North Carolina, leaving an eastern seaboard with Pittsburgh, PA as the largest port in the new Northeast, with docks both on the Atlantic and to the new Gulf of Eire (sometimes also called “The Gulf of Lakes.”), after a series of unfortunate events started by the collapse of the massive system of dams and walls built to keep New York City habitable after the 27 foot rise in sea level during the 2020’s ended in the largest tsunami in history***, were “What does make Amanda Seyfried so fucking special anyway?” If there was only one possible end to the time line, perhaps I would have chosen to live in ignorance of the amazing world of Amanda Seyfried’s Instagram account. But I couldn’t risk it with two possible options. After all, who wants to die in orbit around Neptune? I had to change the destiny I do not believe in as a concept. It wasn’t a question of if I would click the link or not anymore, the link had been clicked before I even saw it. (I know. Trippy, right?)
Knowing the recent films Ms. Seyfried had appeared in, I clicked the link practically expecting to see screen captures from Lovelace. “Was that really it?” I thought. Was her Instagram account the best because she released outtakes of her bare breasts there? Was it a tricksy link, with no true affiliation with the actress herself, rather a Trojan Horse of an ad for Mr. Skin? And then….
And then I understood. And while it may not be the bestest celebrity social media site in the whole world fer realzzzersz!1!1!, it was worth a click and a moment of my time. Since the model is wearing no clothing in the pictures, I will post one after the more tag….
Still with me?
That is so totally a picture I would take. More puppy photos call her account their home, and in some the pup is even clothed, in case your religion calls naked dog flesh a sin….
She turned me into a newt!****
I mean a duck!
See? Look at that self-satisfied, evil smile. My dog gets the same evil grin when plotting world domination.
Take this pic of her frolicking with the thought of “Fire and Blood” filling her mind. Or this one of her surveying her domain:
“Soon,” she thinks as she watches the people go about their workaday lives. “Soon I will rule them, everyone. If they do not bend the knee, I will give them to the Queen’s Justice, the pitbulls.
“Who else can I trust with my plans? I have this human slave who feeds and walks me. He will do whatever I demand. The other dogs will rise up, they have placed their message of intent with scent all along my daily route. If the cats stay neutral, this town will be ours. If they join us, the state will be ours. If they fight against us….well, there will be fewer cats I suppose..”
“Squirrel! Did ya see me chase the squirrel? Did ya? Did ya? Did you see him hide in the tree? Scared of me? Of my vicious bark? Of me? Did ya? Did ya? Squirrel, squirrel, squirrel, squirrelitysquirrel, squirrelitysquirrel! Give me a belly rub now! Now, now, now! Belly rubs! Didya see any bunnies by chance?”
* With Dallas Buyers Club, I guess that really isn’t fair to Mr. McConaughey.
**Which future the mentioned timeline was destined to end with hinged upon the results of the 2016 elections.*****
***Fox News and the ruling Constitution Party (a political party founded in 2028 that returned the United States to a two party system, 4 years after the collapse of the Democratic Party, by conservative former Republicans outraged by GOP attempts to ban the burning of coal after the sea level rose 11 feet in 2027 alone.) both deny the occurrence of a tsunami, instead claiming either a terrorist attack by socialist Muslims, or the judgement of God upon New York City, if not a combination of the two options.
**** I got better.
***** No, not the Presidential Election of 2016. Don’t assume stuff. The important election that year is for School Board in the Ohio district of Worthington, near Columbus.. I see that “wait, what?!?” type of look on your face. Go watch Jurassic Park’s explanation of chaos theory. This election is a butterfly.