Dateline – Sátira, Pennsylvania
The scene outside Persiflage Elementary School, here in the small Pennsylvanian town of Sátira, was a mixture of disbelief and jubilation. Disbelief that their small town was hiding what the Pennsylvania State Police can only call a ticking time bomb; a classic textbook pedophile lurking in the local elementary school. Jubilation that he was apprehended apparently before he could lure any of the school’s innocent children into his web of sexual sin. Yet even though this predator was stopped before he could make local students his prey, the same question is on the minds of all local parents: Is he the only one?
The suspect, a Mr. S. Kit Karikatur, who has lived his whole life in Sátira at the corner of Parodie Avenue and Sarkasmus Street, was arrested during an anxious raid at the school, performed a little after 9:30 am. PA State Trooper Hohn Pasquinade, commander of Barracks L337, took us through the arrest.
“The pervert didn’t know what hit him. We swarmed the school with our SWAT team, assisted by teams from the 5 surrounding counties. Between civil forfeiture laws, drug task force money, and anti-terror funds, we have equipment that surpasses 75% of the world’s militaries. We tossed a few flashbangs into the classroom and stormed in, firing off a few warning shots into the ceiling to let him know we mean business. Would you believe the pedo actually pissed himself? Well, all the students pissed themselves as well, but leave that part out. Just talk about the perv.”
More after the jump, including a picture of the suspect.
While the actions of the State Troopers was certainly heroic, the true hero of the story is Persiflage Elementary School’s own Mr. Travestie, who has taught at the school for 25 years now. In fact, if it wasn’t for Mr. Travestie’s observant mind and quick thinking, Mr. Karikatur could still be stalking the halls of our elementary school. When reached for comment, Mr. Travestie graciously provided us with the following statement.
“It’s not hard to pick out the perverts, if you know what you are looking for. After all, you’d have to be a creep to keep hitting on seven year old girls. Some people will try and tell you that male pedos want little boys, or that they don’t care what sex the kid is, but I’m here to tell you that some of them are all about the little girls. I’ve seen enough of them to know, believe me. This Mr. Karikatur though, he was so obvious it was disgusting. I’m surprised I was the first person to say anything about him. Pulling all the little girl’s pigtails all the time, and leaving notes on their desks that read “Do you like me? Circle Yes or No.” If I wouldn’t have stepped in it would have only been a matter of time before the abuse escalated.
We turned to the students to ask them about their hero, Mr. Travestie. Without exception, every male student had nothing but praise for the 25 year veteran of teaching. “Mr. T is awesome!,” said one male student in his 2nd grade class. “He teaches us math, and reading, and stories from the Bible,” said another. His highest praise came from his top student. “Mr. Tra is always teaching us stuff, like about the Door of Babylon, how many coins it costs to make a girl our wife after we rape her, and how even though Eve was the one who sinned in the Garden, God will still save girls as long as they are quiet and know their place.” I asked this little genius about a locked door in the back of the classroom, and his little eyes grew big as saucers. “That’s the ouchy room. It’s where Mr. Tra takes the girls to punish them when they get all uppity.” I ask him to clarify what he means by “uppity.” “You know,” he answered, “when they start raising their hands like they know the answers, or when they talk, or when they look at one of the boys. 10 minutes in the ouchy room with Mr. Tra and they don’t make a sound for the rest of the week.” Mr. Travestie sounded like such a great and effective teacher, but I wanted to get the opinions of a few of his female students, so I was sure I wasn’t getting a biased view. Strangely enough, none of the girls in his class were willing to talk to me, on or off the record. In fact, they all ran away crying when I mentioned his name. They must be overcome with emotion over their teacher risking his life to save them from such horrid abuse.
After the arrest, Mr. Karikatur was taken to the District Court for arraignment and held over for trial without bail. We have an exclusive picture of the suspect in his prison uniform:
Mr. Karikatur, 8, asked District Judge Pamphlet to release him into the custody of his mother. Judge Pamphlet was quick to show the disgust felt by the whole community: “What, you want to be home for dinner? You should have thought about that before you started preying on younger women. If you prey on children in my district, you better be prepared to do adult time.”
Mr. Karikatur’s mother, a R. Ucerious Karikatur, pleaded for mercy for her son. “Your Honor, I know it is a bit young to be paying attention to girls, instead of accusing them of being carriers of cooties, but I thought it was a positive sign, a signal that Kit wasn’t one of those homos. and I encouraged it.”
The Judge was furious. “I don’t care who you are, where I come from, hitting on 7 year old girls is what pedophiles do, Missy. And encouraging it? That’s what accessories do! Arrest her!”
Mrs. Karikatur was arrested on charges of corruption of a minor, facilitating pedophilia, accessory to child sexual abuse, and speaking in a court of law while female. She was housed in the county jail in lieu of 100,000.00 cash bond. If convicted of all charges, she could face up to 386 years in prison. Her son, Mr. Karikatur, will be tried as an adult in spite of his age of eight years, because by definition a pedophile is an adult. Due to him being arrested before he could actually commit a crime, and with the mitigating factor of all of his possible victims being inferior girls, Mr. Karikatur could be back on the streets in as few as 20 years, assuming he isn’t raped to death by actual adult pedophiles in state prison. Upon release he will have to register with police and neighbors as a potentially violent sex offender for the rest of his life.
A ceremony has been scheduled for Friday to present the teacher, Mr. Travestie, with the key to the city, at St. Paul’s Church of Repression. Judge Pamphlet will be presiding over the proceedings, and Mr. Travestie will be giving a speech entitled “Whores, Harlots, and Mothers? How women will be saved through childbearing, modesty, silence, and submission. A meditation on First Timothy.” All are welcome, although we have been asked to remind attendees that any woman wearing jewelry or make-up, or showing more than 1 inch of ankle or wrist, will be asked to leave loudly and publicly.
See Salon? I can publish click bait as well! And not to beat a dead parrot or anything, but my obvious satire is just as believable as a six year old unverifiable personal memory.