This post originally had a long introduction about the show Duck Dynasty. I’ll include part of it at the end because I wrote it and it is somewhat amusing, but I decided the show doesn’t really need an introduction at this point, so why make you read 5 long paragraphs to get to the story? This introduction explaining that fact was originally much longer as well, until I decided that I didn’t really need to justify my removal of the original introduction with a 4 paragraph long explanation. I ended up editing 2 additional paragraphs out of this shortened introduction/justification/explanation because I kept going into details that had nothing to do with either the introduction, the reasoning for shortening the introduction, or the story itself. Finally, immediately before I hit the “Publish” button, I deleted 7 lines I deemed superfluous.
As I assume you are aware, Duck Dynasty is a thing. (From the channel that also brings you Donnie Loves
child-killers/airheads /nose-pickers/mothers of Indigo children/Graduates of Google U./brain-swelling/subjecting children to unnecessary suffering/Jenny) Those of you who follow the insanity of the far right more than likely also know that show member Phil Robertson was suspended from the show a while back for comments he made in an interview that could possibly be interpreted as both racist and homophobic. The Christian far right collectively lost its shit over the suspension, making it into exhibit A in their ongoing attempt to convince someone (anyone) that Christians, who make up around 77% of the United States population, are actually a persecuted minority seconds away from the FEMA sponsored gas chambers. This suspension, along with the Christian right’s massive persecution complex and their preschool level understanding of the First Amendment has resulted in Phil Robertson becoming a star on the far right lecture circuit. On March 20th, 2015, that stardom found Phil speaking at the Vero Beach Prayer Breakfast, resulting in, resulting in, resulting in…… Shit. I don’t even know how to explain this properly. Here’s the link to RightWingWatch for ya.
It starts off as a normal sounding home invasion.
“Two guys break into an atheist’s home. He has a little atheist wife and two little atheist daughters. Two guys break into his home and tie him up in a chair and gag him.”
Questions immediately spring to mind. How old are these “little atheist daughters?” Cause if they are under, say, 10, then can you really call them “atheists?” I mean, sure they probably believe what their parents do, but not because of any deep examination of the issue. They’re kids, they probably believe anything their parents tell them. And if they are teenagers, then one of them is probably a Catholic and the other a Buddhist because they are teenagers. Seriously, what teenager agrees with their parents? Teenage rebellion, anyone? “Screw you dad, Jesus loves me, you’re going to Hell, and Father Myers only fucks little boys, so I’m safe.” Moving past they “perfect indoctrination” problem…..
“And then they take his two daughters in front of him and rape both of them and then shoot them”
Remember, this story is at a prayer breakfast. Just something to keep in mind. Now for as well thought out as this story is, (which really makes me wonder about Mr. Robertson.) there are some holes starting to show up. Like, they said that they tied the atheist guy to the chair and gagged him, but what is his little atheist wife doing while they are raping and murdering his little atheist daughters? Did they tie her up as well and just forget to mention it? Is she just enjoying the show cause she’s an atheist?
“and they take his wife and then decapitate her head off in front of him.”
Department of Redundant Redundancies section redundant sector department, paging Mr. Phil Robertson. I would be much more critical of this part of the story, but he said “decapitate her head off” which is so fucking idiotic that I can’t help laughing every time I read or hear the phrase.
So, his daughters are raped and murdered, the wife has had her head decapitated right off, and the guy has been forced to witness each action. Something tells me Phil is getting ready to make his point.
And then they can look at him and say, ‘Isn’t it great that I don’t have to worry about being judged? Isn’t it great that there’s nothing wrong with this? There’s no right or wrong, now is it dude?’”
That’s his point? Seriously?
Dude, you inbred, brain dead, bigoted waste of beard hair and skin cells, lack of belief in a supreme law giver of the Universe doesn’t mean atheists reject all laws and morality without thought. You do have to worry about being judged, just not by a creator God. You will be judged by your peers, by society, by law enforcement, by the judicial system, and by the inmates at your future home who are going to shank the fuck out of you for killing and raping children. There most certainly is something wrong with invading someone’s home, then torturing, raping, and murdering a family. There are multiple logical ways to conclude that those actions are wrong without resorting to the commands of an invisible sky daddy. I have more to say on this, but I don’t want to ejaculate prematurely, so let’s take this slow for a minute. Besides, I think Phil just realized one or two audience members are still eating.
“Then you take a sharp knife and take his manhood and hold it in front of him”
Did you catch that? The switch from “they do this, they do that,” to “you take a sharp knife.” Is this Phil Robertson’s ultimate sexual fantasy? It certainly seems like he’s spent some serious time thinking it up. Anyway, I wonder if they served sausage links at this breakfast?
and say, ‘Wouldn’t it be something if this [sic] was something wrong with this? But you’re the one who says there is no God, there’s no right, there’s no wrong, so we’re just having fun. We’re sick in the head, have a nice day.’”
Once again, not believing in a God has nothing to do with wholesale rejecting morality as well. Everything these two home invaders (we’ll call them Phil and Robertson for fun.) do is morally reprehensible on multiple levels. For society to function there needs to be an agreed upon set of moral codes. Anyone that feels only the word of God, along with the threat of hellfire and God’s ever watchful eye, is the only reason people behave morally, the only reason people don’t rape and murder indiscriminately, scare the living fuck out of me.
Seriously. I don’t rape women. Rape is morally wrong. It is a violation of another person’s bodily autonomy, which I, as a primate, can understand through a lack of consent on the victims part, then by placing myself in the same situation with the same lack of consent, use empathy to conclude that the action is morally repugnant without resorting to any authority figure ordering me not to do the act.
Someone who only refrains from committing a morally repugnant act, say murder, or rape, because some God told them not to do the act is a ticking fucking time bomb. What if there is conclusive proof tomorrow that God does not exist, or we find the dead body of God on the surface of Titan. Do these people, constrained only by their belief in their deities laws, suddenly turn Alabama and Mississippi into Rapeville, USA? Do these people have to remind themselves not to rape and kill every day? “Oh shit, that girl is hawt. And all alone on this country road. I bet I could rape her, decapitate her head off, and hide her in the forest and no one would ever know I did it. It would be so…Wait a second. God would know. Fuck. Damn all seeing sky daddy.”
A confession. I have never had to stop myself from raping someone. Not once. I have never found myself planning a rape, only to talk myself out of it at the last minute because of the consequences or any other reason.
Because rape is fucking wrong, and I rarely find myself thinking about performing acts that harm other people. What kind of a person only acts morally because of God? What kind of a person only acts morally because of earthly authority figures? (Note: I am saying morally, not legally. There are actions that are legally wrong that are not morally wrong, and there are many people who only act legally because of authority figures and the threat of punishment. For example, drug use. I have yet to come across an argument I buy that claims I am committing a moral wrong by using any drug. <Note2: Not using then driving. Not using then working. Not using then babysitting. Just using a drug, then sitting down to a book or tv.>)
Don’t just read this page. Go to the link and listen to Phil Robertson say this shit himself. If you want, download the current episode of the Cognitive Dissonance podcast, which includes the speech and commentary on it as well. People are clapping and laughing as he begins, but all you hear is silence by the end. I think his well thought out rape, torture, and murder fantasy went a bit too far even for his intended audience.
At least I hope it did, because if this passes for mainstream Christian commentary, we’re in a lot more trouble than I ever imagined.
And here’s a bit of what I cut out, as promised:
So there’s this “reality” television show on the A&E channel that a depressing and disturbing number of people tune in to watch each week, which is either a stunning indictment of the taste of U.S. television viewers, or a sad indication that no matter how many countless channels cable or satellite provide, there really is nothing worth watching on tv. The show is titled “Duck Dynasty,” and unfortunately it is not the saga of several families of British ducks (the noble House Mallard, of which King Donald belongs, the cunning House Widgeon, which gave birth to Queen Daisy, House Gadwall, House Pintail, and House Shoveler, of which the brothers Lord Huey, Lord Dewey and Lord Louie control respectively through advantageous marriages, the mysterious Ring-Necks, sworn to protect the realm and remain neutral in political disputes, the dangerous Green-Winged Teals, a group of religious fanatics who tattoo their wings green upon joining the order, the majority of the population, the Common Mergansers, whos lack of power and wealth make them but pawns to the other houses, and the hidden, possibly supernatural group of ducks known only as Rubber.) as we follow their lives as they scheme, rape, intrigue, rape, pillage, rape, plunder, rape, swim, rape, murder, rape, back stab, and rape their way to the top of medieval duck society and the seat of total power, The Corkscrew Throne. (Some people may wonder why rape is every other action performed by these ducks in my show pitch. To those people I simply say this: look up the sex lives of ducks. Male ducks would fit in perfectly in frat houses all over America.)