The controversy over Indiana’s newly signed-into-law Religious Freedom Restoration Act took an unexpected turn yesterday as Governor Mike Pence, widely perceived to have been backing away from the law as the howls of protest grew louder and louder, doubled down in his support of the act.
“I find it very sad how many Indiana business leaders proved themselves nothing but Republicans in name only recently, as they joined forces with the radical Gay agenda to launch an economic war against the great state of Indiana,” Governor Pence began after a tension raising 147 second pause between his taking of the microphone and his first words. After this admission of opposition however, the Governor was on the offense for the rest of the speech. “The public outcry and the business opposition is countered by the support of every Republican Presidential candidate, as well as the support of the Republican party itself. Yes, sometimes the people tell the party that it is wrong and needs to change, but this is a case where the party is right, and the people need to realize they are not being good Republicans if they do not support this act.”
After seemingly giving Republican identifying voters their marching orders, the Governor welcomed three men and a woman to the stage that no one in the crowd seemed to recognize. They were introduced as Adam Selfman, the new CEO of Salesforce, Joseph Fregalman, the new CEO of Yelp, Rogers B. Wigsley III, the new president of the NCAA, and Mrs. John Serimyer, new CEO of Angie’s List. Mr. Selfman read a prepared statement that claimed to speak for the four businesses represented on stage. The letter apologized to Indiana for any financial hardships caused by the actions of their previous CEO’s, and read in part:
“Furthermore, in order to compensate the great state of Indiana for any damages our predecessors may have caused, the NCAA has pledged to grant the Final Four and the College Football National Championship game to Indianapolis in perpetuity, while the remaining three pledge a full 10% of our profits to the Re-elect Mike Pence PAC. Our previous CEO’s must have been either possessed by Satan, or secret agents of the Homosexual Elite in order to oppose such an upstanding Christian Act. We further pledge to follow Governor Mike Pence in all orders or suggestions.”
At this point the Governor took back the microphone and opened the floor to questions. The first question was a reporter from the Indianapolis Star-Ledger, who asked the Gov. what happened to the previous leaders of the represented businesses. Gov. Pence did not hesitate when he answered, “they’re dead,” although quite a few reporters in the crowd took it as an early April Fool’s day joke. Gov. Pence was quick to squash that notion.
“The asked about Republicans in name only, or RINO’s, where taken care of by a crew of GOP security officers between 0300 and 0500 hours this morning. We were hoping to hold off until seeing the results in 2016, but it seems that this Act brought so many traitors to the surface that we had no choice but to act. While this press conference is taking place, groups of GOP S.O’s are arresting all known homosexuals in the Hoosier state for incarceration. The current plan is to relocate these deviants to San Francisco, although we are not ruling out more Biblical solutions. While the raids taking place today are only targeting sodomites, we reserve the right to eject other religious undesirables from our state. After all, there are a lot of us Christians who aren’t too fond of sharing the streets with Christ-killers and race-mixers.”
When asked if he really expected the rest of the nation, and the federal government to allow Indiana to basically turn into a Nazi state, Gov. Pence had an answer at the ready.
“Seriously, you are going to go all Godwin on us? Ha. But seriously, what is the federal government going to do? The GOP controls Congress and the GOP Representatives will be too afraid of getting primaried to do anything. Then because of Godwin’s Law, any member of the press that compares us to the Nazi party will be laughed out of town. Think about it. We’ve built such a “equal weight and time to both sides” political climate that Fox News will be praising us and anything MSNBC and the rest of the media says will be chalked up to “that left wing liberal media.”
The Governor then unveiled Indiana’s new state flag:Governor Pence ended the press conference by saluting the Indiana state flag, and then left the building, getting inside a replica of the General Lee that was parked outside, and sped off as the sounds of “Sweet Home Alabama” blared from his speakers.