Fellow straight men everywhere, remember to lock your doors tonight. With today’s ruling by the Supreme Court making marriage equality the law of the United States, those of us who have been following the right’s arguments against gay marriage now get to witness the accuracy of their predictions of the aftermath.
I for one totally expect the first roving band of homosexuals, marching down each and every block, kicking in the doors of any and all straight men to abduct and gay marry them against their will, about 20 minutes after sunset. Once all the straight men in America have been forcibly gay married it will be time for the real fun to begin. Before this time next Friday, I am sure the first quad-lawyer marriage will have been performed. (Shout out to those of us who actually listen to Supreme Court oral arguments, who are the only people to get that joke. Well, and faithful watchers of the Rachael Maddow Show as well I guess, but that’s cheating.) Once the four-way attorney nuptials take place, it will just be a matter of time, perched at the summit of a steep incline that happens to be carpeted with countless Slip’N Slides , until the premonitions of the right come true. What will the first slip down the slope actually be? Will it be the touching love between a man and his dog, now legalized as marriage? Farmer and sheep? Priest and altar boy? Stoner and bong? Porn addict and right hand? Lannister and Lannister?
Pop some popcorn, lock the doors up tight if there are any straight men in your abode, and let’s watch Nero fiddle his way through Sodom in the wake of the Supreme Court officially ending the golden age of Godly Merika, forcing God’s hand of protection from the US to a true God fearing, queer hating nation, Russia. I am sure the airports are flooded with Christians fleeing state persecution, seeking safety in Putin’s warm embrace. Godspeed.
Attention: All those who are against marriage equality.
I’m making fun of you. I’m making fun of your inability to understand what the words “consenting adults” have to do with relationships and marriage, not just for same sex but for any possible pairing. I’m making fun of your persecution complex, and your absurd beliefs that being forced to provide any women you employee with slut pill coverage, possibly bake a cake for someone who’s bedroom antics offend you, or actually do your job if you happen to be a court clerk or magistrate somehow equals religious persecution. (Which would be rich even if there wasn’t legitimate religious persecution taking place somewhere on the planet. Since we live in a world where people really do get killed for believing in the wrong invisible friend, your persecution act crosses the line from amusing to offensive.) I’m making fun of you because you spent decades fighting to discriminate against people only because the stuff they do in the bedroom either makes you sick or makes you really, really, really horny, but since you can’t admit that because OMGZ TehGheyS! you instead pretend it makes you sick. Seriously. Chances are next to certain that whatever any two anti-marriage equality bigots do in the bedroom would make me a bit queasy, but you don’t see me trying to stop bigot marriage, do you?
Why am I telling you that I am making fun of you when anyone with half a working brain cell would have realized the intent of my post? Have you seen the legal arguments your side used against marriage equality? They’re so bad that no one with half a working brain cell would ever think of using them in a kangaroo court, let alone at the Supreme Court. You see my dilemma. Once I assume any possible reader of this post possesses a working brain cell, I find my post quoted on Breitbart as “biting criticism of the Courts ‘legislating from the bench,’ including several chilling predictions for the future of the new America.”