Stay in school kids! Say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and someday you may have 24 inch pythons as well.
Yeah, its not a direct quote, but it may as well be and it is still seared in my memory evermore. I am not ashamed to say that I grew up with professional wrestling. While I was much more interested in NWA (later WCW) wrestling on TBS every Saturday and Sunday night as a kid, I watched the WWF (now WWE) as well (back in those days with no internet and only the new born cable television industry, we watched whatever was on.) I had the toy ring, which I used so much it was duct taped together, had countless figures, scavenged a Nerf Ping Pong set to build a steel cage, read all the Apter mags (wrestling magazines that treated wrestling as an actual sport, never breaking kayfabe), and even owned a wrestling game that was almost my first pen and paper role playing game. (Yeah, it be a stretch to actually call it a role playing game, but you got invented wrestler character sheets and played out matches with dice rolls, so it was on the spectrum.) I abandoned pro wrestling as I moved into my teens, which was probably for the best since wrestling, a business that runs on boom/bust cycles, was definitely on the downside after the huge boom in the 80’s. I returned to the business with the rise of ECW and the national popularity of the Monday Night Wars between WCW and WWF, with groups from the restaurant I worked at attending every local event and throwing rotating monthly PPV parties for the whole staff. I had several pieces published at 1wrestlingdotcom, at the time the premier site for “smart” wrestling fans, including one, if I remember correctly (1wrestling went through a lot of changes over the years, which included the apparent destruction of the archives. I still go looking for those pieces every now and then, because other than a poem for a contest that I believe actually publishes everyone’s poems, they were my first published writings.), dealing with Hulk Hogan and why wrestling needed him to retire immediately. I even toyed with the idea of trying to become a referee, sending out feelers to several wrestling schools and doing some basic training learning to take bumps. (Yet another dream I shot into my arm instead of fulfilling.) To be honest, I would probably still be watching and writing about wrestling, and working to remove its more nationalistic and misogynistic tropes if not for Chris Benoit. I met him, I met his wife, I spent a good 45 minutes talking to him. He was my favorite, a wrestler who got famous because of his ability to work a match in the ring, not because he could talk a good game. Then he killed his wife, his son, and himself. His brain, which was examined post-mortem by experts in the field, was pretty much swiss cheese from all the concussions. I couldn’t bring myself to watch after that. Its bad enough watching American football knowing the risk the athletes are putting themselves in, but the whole point of pro wrestling, in theory, is making it look real while not actually hurting yourself and your opponent, yet I know it was fans like me, who loved the violence of ECW, who praised wrestlers who worked “stiff,” who exploded over the most dangerously insane moves possible (ever see Mick Foley’s unplanned fall through the top of a Hell in a Cell cage? Or Mick taking 11 steel chair shots to the head with his hands handcuffed behind his back? ) who drove the performers to actually almost kill themselves in the ring night after night. I can still watch some of the really old 80’s classic matches, but from the mid 90’s on, every time I see someones head hit the mat hard I shudder. That’s wood under the canvas, by the way. Its not a trampoline.
I think I may have just set a record for my longest tangent introducing a story. What was I writing about? “Say your prayers, take your vitamins…” Hulk Hogan!
Yes, well, thanks to the previously released Hulk Hogan sex tape, we found out that all those rumors about the effects of steroids are actually true, and that The Hulkster looked like a pretty awful lay. Now, thanks to the apparently released audio of the tape, it appears that the proud owner of two 24 inch pythons (which, according to rumors, never surpassed 22 inches. What is it with us men and exaggerating inch counts? “No, it really is 10 inches! You just have to stretch it out and measure from the back of my thigh.” or “You say you have 9 inches? Wait, flip the ruler around and what does it say? 3.5? As I thought. No, no reason why.” <The Scathing Atheist would be so proud, I just made a metric to US Standard dick joke.>) has an unhealthy affection for a certain word that begins with the letter “n.” (And surprisingly for a pro wrestler, that word is not “narcotics.”) First off, we had Complex reporting that WWE had mysteriously seemed to cut all ties and scrub most mentions of Hogan from their website.
Late last night, the WWE reportedly distanced itself from one of the biggest stars in the history of the company when it wiped any mention of Hulk Hogan from its website. Hogan’s Hall of Fame page and all of his Hulk-related merchandise appear to have been removed from the site:
Then the other shoe dropped the smackdown all over Hogan’s future career, as Complex once again reported.
The National Enquirer just published an explosive report in conjunction with Radar Online claiming that Hogan was caught using the N-word on numerous occasions during a conversation with Heather Clem, the wife of Hogan’s former friend Bubba “The Love Sponge” Clem and the woman that Hogan was caught having sex with in a video that was posted on Gawker back in 2012. The sex tape is part of a $100 million lawsuit at the moment, and transcripts from it have been filed in a court in Florida.
The National Enquirer and Radar Online obtained a handful of quotes from the transcripts and verified them with multiple sources. They reportedly feature Hogan discussing his daughter Brooke Hogan and her music career.
Well, it probably isn’t that bad, right? I mean, remember Wrestlemania? Where he teamed up with Mr. T to defend God, the American Flag,
Steroids, and everything good about America? It can’t be that bad. All he wanted was for us to say our prayers and take our vitamins.
Umm. For those of you who really don’t like seeing racist language, this is an official trigger warning.
Trigger Warning for Offensive Language! <————— SEE!
Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
“I don’t know if Brooke was fucking the black guy’s son,” Hogan reportedly said. “I mean, I don’t have double standards. I mean, I am a racist, to a point, fucking niggers. But then, when it comes to nice people and shit, and whatever.”
Later, Hogan allegedly continued by telling Clem that he would prefer for Brooke to be involved with a rich athlete.
“I mean, I’d rather if she was going to fuck some nigger, I’d rather have her marry an 8-foot-tall nigger worth a hundred million dollars!” he reportedly said. “Like a basketball player! I guess we’re all a little racist. Fucking nigger.”
What are you going to do, Hogan, when words you once said come back to run all over you… and your future career?
At least all the money he’s going to win from Gawker will keep him stocked in tissues to wipe up all his tears.
And just wondering, do any of my readers have a problem when I write a 700 word introduction to a story like I did in this post? I mean, I can’t promise I will change, but for those of you (we both know who you are) who are regular visitors here, if it is an issue I will definitely attempt to keep the tangents to a minimum.