Wait. What’s That I Hear? No, It Can’t Be… It’s the GOP War on Women, 2015 Edition!!!!

Dear GOP.  Please hire Erick Erickson as your head of campaign strategy for 2016.  Please?

With that out of the way, let’s get to business.

As the videos continue to flow from the Center for Medical Progress (ahem, cough, great name), edited in a way that makes the editing of the film Expelled look totally honest and above board by comparison, anti-abortion extremists continue to use them as evidence in their witch hunt against Planned Parenthood.  Surprised?  Of course not, since this is a well-coordinated, multi-front attack on women’s access to reproductive health care.

“Well known” political hack and editor of the site where logic goes to die, Erick “Triple K” Erickson has laid out a challenge to the GOP on Red State, declaring the issue of funding for Planned Parenthood the hill the Republicans should win or die on. (Super big hat tip to Mock, Paper, Scissors for this one.  “Hi guys!”)

Republicans in the Congress are beginning to use the word “try.” They will try to defund Planned Parenthood. But the President has a veto and they do not have the votes to override the veto.

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) 47% has moved from try to “can’t.” He says Republicans cannot defund Planned Parenthood because of the President’s veto.

This is really, really simple.

If Republicans do not defund Planned Parenthood, they will see a great portion of their base vanish overnight. That is not an exaggeration.

Ummm.  Yeah, actually that is an exaggeration.  In fact, it is a textbook example of an exaggeration.  When the 2016 version of the dictionary gets released, it would not shock me to see Mr. Erickson’s statement there beside the word “exaggeration” as the given example.  Republicans are not going to defund Planned Parenthood, and a great portion of the lunatic fringe “base” is going to do what they do best: “rabble, rabble, rabble,” then move on.  Why?  Because Erick’s claim,

Planned Parenthood, we now know, is killing living children who have already been born, cutting them up, and harvesting their organs.

is bullshit ripped from a context-free, heavily edited hit video that even the far right anti-abortion activists, at least those with working brains, know is, well, bullshit.  The terrifying reality, however, is that this claim will be believed, not by anti-abortion organizers and politicians who are just cynically reaping the propaganda benefit of the videos, but rather by some of those “on the front line” protesters who really believe they are fighting a war, who are already of questionable mental stability with, unfortunately, unquestioned access to firearms.  Yeah, I hate to say this, but the above claim about Planned Parenthood will more than likely cost someone their life.  (But remember, right wing terrorism isn’t a problem)

But fear not, ye Republicans who realize that defunding Planned Parenthood is an outright impossibility under the current administration, good ole E-Squared (once again, hi Mock, Paper, Scissors!) has the tactic you need to succeed! (Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please listen to him!)

If Abraham Lincoln’s Party cannot go to war against that where war is not bullets, just a government shut down until the President relents, then Abraham Lincoln’s Party needs to be put on the ash heap of history. It really is that simple.

Okay, ignore the fact that if Lincoln was alive today the current Republican party would have him labeled a communist liberal social justice warrior and Erick Erickson would be writing hit pieces about him at Red State as we speak.  Did you catch it?  Here, let me help:

just a government shut down until the President relents

You got it now, didn’t ya?

a government shut down

Here, let me give it the bolding it deserves.

a government shut down

Maybe some italics even?

a government shut down

I know it’s too much information, but I think I need to change my shorts.

OMG, can you please shut down the government over this?  Pretty please?!?  How about right before the 2016 election?  Well, not “right before,” we need it to be long enough before that our senior citizens miss a Social Security check or two.

Republicans, I totally agree with Erick here.  Shut down the government over funding Planned Parenthood.  Wait, hold on…..  I mean:

OMG, Republicans, whatever you do, please DO NOT shut down the government over funding Planned Parenthood!  It would be such a political home run for your party, it would crush us progressives and hand the election to the GOP nominee on a silver platter.  Please, oh please, DO NOT shut down the government over this.

Did I sound believable?  Too eager?  Not seemingly frightened enough?  I’ll work on it.

Erick!  Do not let this ball drop!  The country depends on you sir.

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Indian Gov. Mike Pence Makes Major Announcement.

The controversy over Indiana’s newly signed-into-law Religious Freedom Restoration Act took an unexpected turn yesterday as Governor Mike Pence, widely perceived to have been backing away from the law as the howls of protest grew louder and louder, doubled down in his support of the act.

“I find it very sad how many Indiana business leaders proved themselves nothing but Republicans in name only recently, as they joined forces with the radical Gay agenda to launch an economic war against the great state of Indiana,” Governor Pence began after a tension raising 147 second pause between his taking of the microphone and his first words.  After this admission of opposition however, the Governor was on the offense for the rest of the speech.  “The public outcry and the business opposition is countered by the support of every Republican Presidential candidate, as well as the support of the Republican party itself.  Yes, sometimes the people tell the party that it is wrong and needs to change, but this is a case where the party is right, and the people need to realize they are not being good Republicans if they do not support this act.”

After seemingly giving Republican identifying voters their marching orders, the Governor welcomed  three men and a woman to the stage that no one in the crowd seemed to recognize.  They were introduced as Adam Selfman, the new CEO of Salesforce,  Joseph Fregalman, the new CEO of Yelp,  Rogers B. Wigsley III, the new president of the NCAA, and Mrs. John Serimyer, new CEO of Angie’s List.  Mr. Selfman read a prepared statement that claimed to speak for the four businesses represented on stage.  The letter apologized to Indiana for any financial hardships caused by the actions of their previous CEO’s, and read in part:

“Furthermore,  in order to compensate the great state of Indiana for any damages our predecessors may have caused, the NCAA has pledged to grant the Final Four and the College Football National Championship game to Indianapolis in perpetuity, while the remaining three pledge a full 10% of our profits to the Re-elect Mike Pence PAC.  Our previous CEO’s must have been either possessed by Satan, or secret agents of the Homosexual Elite in order to oppose such an upstanding Christian Act.  We further pledge to follow Governor Mike Pence in all orders or suggestions.”

At this point the Governor took back the microphone and opened the floor to questions.  The first question was a reporter from the Indianapolis Star-Ledger, who asked the Gov. what happened to the previous leaders of the represented businesses.  Gov. Pence did not hesitate when he answered, “they’re dead,” although quite a few reporters in the crowd took it as an early April Fool’s day joke.  Gov. Pence was quick to squash that notion.

“The asked about Republicans in name only, or RINO’s, where taken care of by a crew of GOP security officers between 0300 and 0500 hours this morning.  We were hoping to hold off until seeing the results in 2016, but it seems that this Act brought so many traitors to the surface that we had no choice but to act.  While this press conference is taking place, groups of GOP S.O’s are arresting all known homosexuals in the Hoosier state for incarceration.  The current plan is to relocate these deviants to San Francisco, although we are not ruling out more Biblical solutions.  While the raids taking place today are only targeting sodomites, we reserve the right to eject other religious undesirables from our state.  After all, there are a lot of us Christians who aren’t too fond of sharing the streets with Christ-killers and race-mixers.”

When asked if he really expected the rest of the nation, and the federal government to allow Indiana to basically turn into a Nazi state, Gov. Pence had an answer at the ready.

“Seriously, you are going to go all Godwin on us?  Ha.  But seriously, what is the federal government going to do?  The GOP controls Congress and the GOP Representatives will  be too afraid of getting primaried to do anything.  Then because of Godwin’s Law, any member of the press that compares us to the Nazi party will be laughed out of town.  Think about it.  We’ve built such a “equal weight and time to both sides” political climate that Fox News will be praising us and anything MSNBC and the rest of the media says will be chalked up to “that left wing liberal media.”

The Governor then unveiled Indiana’s new state flag:indianastateflagGovernor Pence ended the press conference by saluting the Indiana state flag, and then left the building, getting inside a replica of the General Lee that was parked outside, and sped off as the sounds of “Sweet Home Alabama” blared from his speakers.

 

 

Elementary School Predator Jailed

Dateline – Sátira, Pennsylvania

The scene outside Persiflage Elementary School, here in the small Pennsylvanian town of Sátira, was a mixture of disbelief and jubilation.  Disbelief that their small town was hiding what the Pennsylvania State Police can only call a ticking time bomb; a classic textbook pedophile lurking in the local elementary school.  Jubilation that he was apprehended apparently before he could lure any of the school’s innocent children into his web of sexual sin.  Yet even though this predator was stopped before he could make local students his prey, the same question is on the minds of all local parents:  Is he the only one?

The suspect, a Mr. S. Kit Karikatur, who has lived his whole life in Sátira at the corner of Parodie Avenue and Sarkasmus Street, was arrested during an anxious raid at the school, performed a little after 9:30 am.  PA State Trooper Hohn Pasquinade, commander of Barracks L337, took us through the arrest.

“The pervert didn’t know what hit him.  We swarmed the school with our SWAT team, assisted by teams from the 5 surrounding counties.  Between civil forfeiture laws, drug task force money, and anti-terror funds, we have equipment that surpasses 75% of the world’s militaries.  We tossed a few flashbangs into the classroom and stormed in, firing off a few warning shots into the ceiling to let him know we mean business.  Would you believe the pedo actually pissed himself?  Well, all the students pissed themselves as well, but leave that part out.  Just talk about the perv.”

More after the jump, including a picture of the suspect.

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