I Kinda Miss the Nigerian Princes.

I get mail:

FROM THE DESK OF MR AWUDU SALLAM
DIRECTOR IN CHARGE OF AUDITING
AND ACCOUNTING SECTION
BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A)
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO,
WEST AFRICA.

My Dearest Friend,
 
I am Mr Awudu Sallam, The chief auditor in bank of Africa (boa) Burkina Faso West African, One of our customers, with his entire family was among the victims of plane crash and before his death, he has an account with us valued at $37.5 million u.s dollars(thirty seven million five hundred thousand u.s dollars) in our bank and according to the Burkina Faso law, at the expiration of Thirteen years if nobody applies to claim the funds a grace of one year also will be given before the money will revert to the ownership of the Burkina Faso government.
 
My proposals is that i will like you as a foreigner to stand in as the next of kin or distant cousin for us to claim this money, so that the fruits of this old man’s labour will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials who will later use the money to sponsor war in Africa and kill innocent citizens in the search for political power.
 
As a foreign partner which this money will be transfer into your account, you are entitle to 40% of the total money while 55% will be for me as the moderator of this transaction and 5% will be mapped out for any expenditure that may be incur during the course of this transaction. Please note that there will be no
problem as my bank has made all effort through to reach for any of his relation but all was fruitless.
 
My position as the chief auditor in this bank guarantees the successful execution of this (deal) transaction. Please send the following: Reply To This E-mail Address  awudusallam@gmail.com
 
1)your full name…..
2) sex…..
3) age…..
4) country…..
5)passport or photo…..
6)occupation…..
7) personal Mobile number…..
8) Personal fax number…..
9) Home & office address…..
 
Thanks.
 
Mr Awudu Sallam.
I reply to mail, because I am that bored.  (Also, because Trump is possibly going to be President and I need to find humor where I can.)

Dear Mr Awudu Sallam,

 

I am greatly saddened to hear of the passing of such a highly respected man, along with his entire family, in a plane crash.  While they say God has a plan, it is at times like this that one has to wonder how a loving God could reach down from Heaven and cruelly snuff out the life of such a great man.  While you do not mention the man’s name, no doubt because of privacy concerns, if it is indeed who I believe you are speaking of, this is a tragedy that God himself will have to answer for.  To take one such as him. in the prime of his life while he still had so much more to give to not only the fine country of Burkina Faso, but to the rest of West Africa, and indeed, to the whole of the African continent.  To die in a plane crash, along side his wife, pregnant with the couples fifth child, their twin sons, the apple of their fathers eyes, only 7 years young, and both of his daughters, lovely Ebele, only 3 years old, and stunning 17 year old Adannaya is enough to cause one to question their faith.  Knowing that the only reason they were even on that plane was to travel to Adannaya’s wedding just makes it all the worse.  What pain must have filled their minds as they realized the plane was going down?  Did they take comfort in being together, or did the knowledge that the whole family would soon die just make it that much worse?

 

I am so sorry, I know you must be very busy, and here I am yammering on pointlessly.  I completely understand your request.  I as well do not want to see this great man’s money stolen by the corrupt government and used to spill the blood of West Africans.  I will be honored to stand in as this great man’s next of kin and save his fortune from the Vultures of Horror.  In fact, I have such great respect for this man and his family that I would feel dirty taking 40% of his fortune.  Rather, in exchange for the solemn promise that you will donate 10% of the money to Médecins Sans Frontières, I will only ask for 10%.  The extra 20% can be done with as you please.

Here is the requested information.

1) Michael Sean Benioff

2) Male

3) 34 years young

4) United States of America
5)……

Upon further reflection, I have decided to only provide you with the rest of the information if you prove yourself legitimate.  While I would never insult you by comparing you to these people, one does remember the classic Nigerian Royalty scam that was so highly effective for so many years.  You of course are not claiming to be a member of a royal family or anything else ridiculous like that, so I am inclined to believe you fully.  That being said, as someone connected with such a respectable man, I know you will not have a problem providing me with a bit more information.  Here is what I require.

1)  A hand written pledge to donate 10% of the money to Médecins Sans Frontières.  It does not need to be notarized or anything, as long as I can see your signature.

2)  Your astrological sign.  Call me crazy, but there are certain signs of the zodiac that I refuse to have financial dealings with under any circumstances.  Let me know your birth date so I can have my astrologer confirm the stars are in the proper alignment for this transaction.

3)  A picture.  Not of you though.  Of your wife or girlfriend.  No, it doesn’t have to be sexy or anything, I’m not a sicko.

4)  One more picture, this time of a hand written note from your mother or father stating that you are trustworthy. If your parents are no longer on this earth, I am very sorry for your loss, and you can substitute a note from either your religious leader or your employer.

I hope that is not too much to ask of you.  I will expect your response shortly and anticipate being able to move on at that time and get this transaction taken care of.  I have my bank account information at the ready to send to you, along with the rest of the information you need, as soon as you provide the reassurances I require.

Thank you for reaching out to me, and thank you for caring about the fortune of such a great man and his family.  I know he would be as proud of you as he was of Adannaya.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Michael Sean Benioff.

Let’s see how desperate scammers in Burkina Faso are right now.  Anyone think I’ll get a response?  Any suggestions of what to ask for in case I do get a response?
I’ll keep you posted.
By the way, I would commit voter fraud for Awudu Sallam before I’d vote for Donald Trump.
Toying with song ideas to post if he wins immediately after the race is called.  So far I’m thinking of “Black and White” by the Subhumans:

which includes these perfect lyrics:

Inquiries, but no solutions
Faceless, empty illusions
Reasons are always pushed aside
Remember the day the country died

or maybe just Black Market Baby’s classic “Potential Suicide” to put everyone’s thoughts into song.

 

And that’s all you get today.  I spent the day with the dogs in the local state park.  It was much too nice to sit in front of a PC all day.

pupsatwater

 

 

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Presidential Primary Voters Guide

Wake up, fellow Pennsylvanians, you are not dreaming.  No, for some strange reason your vote in the presidential primary this  year will actually (gasp) matter!  I know, who would have ever thunk it.

Since today was crazy busy and I ran out of time to post anything before the start of the weekend, I thought I would throw a quick voting guide together for my friends on both sides of the aisle.

GOP Presidential Primary

If you(r)…..

  • hold political views that were considered “far right” during Reagan’s time in office.
  • think the hatred and bigotry tainting the primary is unseemly, unless its directed towards women.
  • secretly want to gobble the cocks of every member of Meet the Press.
  • really want to listen to movement conservatives talk about how they would have won if you would have nominated a “true” conservative.
  • honestly want to choose the most electable candidate.
  • version of Christianity demands you provide medical care to the no good poors.
  • You want to waste your vote.

then you should vote for Ohio Governor John Kasich.  He may be a misogynist, but don’t worry, the mainstream media, you know, that you keep calling liberal?, they will make him out to be a sane, moderate choice that everyone can get behind.  Nominate Kasich and after the mainstream media turns him into a uniting force for America, you have the presidency.  Of course, he’s only won the state he is governor of, and if they give him the nomination at the convention over two candidates with far more popular support Cleveland is going to burn.  And a bunch of Trump and Cruz supporters will probably stay home.  Wow, maybe Kasich as the nominee would grab moderates after the media lies to them that Kasich is a moderate, yet still lose the election because of a conservative revolt?  Shit, you guys are fucked.  Sorry.

If you(r)…..

  • hold political views that would have gotten you laughed out of any GOP meeting during the Reagan era.
  • want to cut the federal government down to the armed forces, the FBI, and the FBVI*.
  • love a candidate who will lie constantly, even when he doesn’t have to.
  • want a candidate who’s tax plan will only work if 90% of the government is cut.
  • think we never came close enough to nuclear war during the Cold War and want to try again.
  • think a religious war sounds like a great way to bring the 2010’s to a close.
  • thoughts on the “100 cans of soup” incident were “she should have kept her mouth shut.”
  • want to scare Canada and most of Europe half to death.
  • want to shove your religion so far down everyone’s throats that they think they are shooting for Throated.com.
  • hate women, Catholics, Muslims, wishy-washy Christians, immigrants, and blacks who think their lives matter.

then you should vote for Texas Senator Ted Cruz.  And maybe get yourself some help.

If you(r)…..

  • hold political views that would get you arrested in Germany.
  • think reality television show star is a good qualification for President.
  • really think you should have been alive in 1930’s Germany, that you missed your calling.
  • have a sub-50 IQ.
  • honestly believe (heh) that (ha) Mexico (lol) is (snark) going to (rofl) pay for (it hurts, god) the wall.
  • have small hands and are really self-conscious about it.
  • love all the bigotry of the modern GOP, just not the religion.
  • are deaf except for racist dog whistles.
  • are white and proud to say you hate n-words, k-words, s-words, and any other racial slur you can think up.

then you should vote for short fingered vulgarian Donald Trump.

The Democratic Presidential Primary:

If you(r)…….

  • believe in fairies, unicorns, and that a socialist President could actually get anything passed through a Congress that blocked ideas that originated within their own party because they were suggested by Obama.
  • are a misogynistic Democrat.
  • believe that left wing versions of the House Freedom Caucus and the Tea Party are what the Democrats really need right now.
  • you believe Hillary has it in the bag but you want to vote a message to the Democratic party that we will be dragging the party back to the left.
  • have bought into the media (and GOP) narrative that HRC is the slimy survivor of a thousand scandals. (How dare she not just be a housewife when Bill was President!!!!  And they’ve thrown mud ever since.)
  • are feeling the Bern, even though you will gladly vote for HRC in the general if she is the candidate.
  • honestly think the FBI is going to indict her.  (Personally I think if there was actual evidence of wrong doing they wouldn’t have let her get this far in the primary.)
  • believe income inequality is the number one problem we are facing.

then you should vote for Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.

 

If you(r)….

  • do not feel we have the votes currently for a complete political revolution.
  • want to maintain the gains we have made while slowly fighting for more while we change the party from the ground up.
  • believe the neo-confederacy is the major problem at this moment, stretching from the bigotry shown to blacks by the police, to loud and proud bigotry directed towards Muslims and Hispanics, to the legalization of discrimination of members of the GLBT community, to the war on a woman’s right to control her own body and her reproductive freedom.
  • think we should stay the course fiscally for a few more years and see if the economy keeps improving.
  • are incredibly curious as to what they will call Bill if HRC becomes President.  First Man?  First Husband?  When they say “President Clinton!” will they both go “What?”  Come on, tell me you are not dying to know how that is going to work.

Then you should vote for former Secretary of State and Senator Hillary Clinton.

A few things quick.  There are a few points in the Sanders column that are negatives.  Needless to say, I do not believe every Bernie voter is a misogynistic Democrat or ideological purists who refuse to compromise.  Unfortunately, some times you need to call a spade a spade, and this election is definitely one of those times with so much outright bigotry on the GOP side.  There are some Democrats who are voting for Sanders because HRC has a vagina.  Hopefully it is a very small amount, but their are some out there.  It also seems that some Sanders supporters think the extreme ideological purity and refusal to compromise shown by the House Freedom Caucus and other Tea Party members is something to envy and foster on the left.  This is straight up painful to me.  There are things about the Tea Party that we should emulate.  They showed that it is possible to move the positions of your party, and that the threat of a primary opponent is incredible leverage once they realize the threat is not hollow.  They also were quickly astroturfed over and guided by the nose by some *cough*Koch*cough* mysterious force, and the uncompromising nature of the House Freedom Caucus provides a great example of how to know when you are doing it wrong.  Like it or not, our system of government demands compromise.

Anyway, just because I wrote a bad reason under Sanders, don’t think I believe all his voters have the same reasons.  Hell, I still may be voting for Sanders in the primary.  I’m leaning HRC, and I honestly believe she is the most qualified, but voting a message to the party is mighty tempting to push her as far to the left as I can.  And no matter what, either of them get my vote immediately in the general.

Oh, and FBVI?  Federal Bureau of Vaginal Investigations.  Duh.

 

Would You Like Some Anti-Intellectualism With Your Mac & Cheese?

Anyone see the new commercial for Cracker Barrel?  I’d love to post it here, but I’ve yet to find a copy of it online.  As soon as I do, I’ll update this post.

Edit!!!! If you want to see the ad in question and hear the spokesperson’s grating voice, here you go.

If you’ve seen the commercial, then I’m sure you get the title of the post.  If not, here is a quick run down of the spot:

An annoying looking (and sounding) man appears on the screen holding a small trophy filled with mac and cheese.  He starts complaining about how society has gone insane and now gives out awards for everything, no matter how meaningless.  He’s suddenly standing in the center of a bowling lane as he mocks awards for rolling balls.  Then he transports to what appears to be the stage in a school auditorium with a girl in the background spelling a word.  He mocks awards for spelling words that no one ever uses, before snidely telling the contestant something along the lines of “we get it, you’re smart.”  Boom, he is now in front of a large chalk board filled with complex mathematical formulas as he mocks awards for scientific theories.  Looking into the camera, he oh so wittily says “I’ve got a theory.  No one cares.”  (That may not be exact.)  Then, as the time allotment for the commercial is almost up, he moves on to an award worth caring about. You know, the award Cracker Barrel won for its cheddar cheese, I guess?  The irritating spokesidiot gobbles up the mac and cheese out of the trophy as some words about Cracker Barrel’s fantastic mac and cheese are uttered, ending with an image of the box you can use to make this delicacy yourself at home.

 

Am I just being a curmudgeon?  Probably.  Am I missing the joke the commercial intends?  Possibly.  What I know is that the United States is currently going through a phase of anti-intellectualism, rife with science denial from both the left and the right, along side a vocal segment of the Christian right who insist on demonizing higher education, even as women fight for their right to an education not only in Muslim controlled nations, but also those unlucky enough to be born into certain Christian sects right here in the US.  (Yeah, those Duggar girls really had the opportunity to get as much education as they wanted, didn’t they?)  Something tells me that the target audience for this ad is meant to be nodding right along.  “Bah. Scientific theories.  Who cares!”

Ignorance.

It’s what’s for dinner.

Exclusive Breaking News About the New York Times!!!!

We here at Foster Disbelief can now confidently report that the New York Times, long considered the newspaper of record in the United States, is being controlled by a cabal of far right wing reptoids from the planet Gliese 581d.  Our incredibly trusted sources, with high level clearance, have assured us that these reptoids have taken control of the New York Times in an attempt to smear the Clinton family and defeat Hillary’s presidential campaign.  Never before has it been confirmed by such trusted sources that a United States media outlet has been taken over by aliens from a different star system.

We here at Foster Disbelief will be sure to bring you more information on this breaking story as it becomes available, but as the mainstream media starts to pick up this Pulitzer worthy story, remember where you heard it first!

Correction:  Our sources suck.  It is totally their fault.  We take no blame whatsoever.  Our sources have only ever been wrong one time before, when they insisted that grey aliens installed a base on the moon in order to mind control Mike Huckabee (turns out he is just that batshit insane all on his own), so with their incredible track record, we felt totes comfortable running with the story.  We are sorry our sources suck so badly.

Fellow Dog F$@&ers, ABORT! Pat Robertson Has Figured Out Our Plan! I Repeat, ABORT!

And we would have got away with it to, if it wasn’t for that meddling old hate peddler.

He then criticized the court for its recent ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges, which struck down state bans on same-sex marriage, arguing that now polygamy, bestiality and pedophilia will all become legal nationwide.

“Watch what happens, love affairs between men and animals are going to be absolutely permitted,” Robertson said. “Polygamy, without question, is going to be permitted. And it will be called a right.”

Robertson also agreed with co-host Terry Meeuwsen’s claim that gay marriage will also legalize “relationships with children,” claiming that “they’re going to succeed now” in legalizing pedophilia.

My question is, how did he sniff out our master plan?  We’ll have to figure out a different way to get our perversion legalized.  I for one have high hopes regarding the secret document from the Dept. of Justice that Tom Delay claims to have which apparently seeks to legalize a dozen new perversions.  Fingers crossed!

Je Suis Charlie!

comic1

comic2

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comic3………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

comic4……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

  • I wish to thank stripcreator for the ability to create these comics.  Rather than fully creating them there and risking them taking the comics down, I instead created them and took a screen shot of each, allowing me to post and host them myself. (Also depicting Muhammed and offending potentially dangerous people is my call, not the owner of stripcreator.com.  Seeing how they had multiple clip art pieces of Jesus but this tie wearing guy was the closest I could come to a Muslim has me thinking the owner would rather not offend Muslims.)
  • I wish to thank Eddie Izzard for the term “Jeezie Creezie” and the idea that Jesus hates the nickname.  If I was an artist, these strips also would have featured the Holy Ghost wearing a bed sheet over his head, and babies being put on spikes, both also gems from Eddie.
  • Not one of these three comics are actually meant to be funny.  They are however meant to be offensive.  I am not anti-Islam.  I am not Islamophobic.  Anyone who believes they know the mind of God and knows that other people are wrong and must be enlightened is a problem.  Too many American Christians seem to forget that Christianity was spread with the sword in the past.   Taking writings from over 1000 years ago and trying to literally apply them to our modern society is a recipe for disaster and bloodshed.  The offices of Charlie Hebdo was attacked because someone’s religious beliefs were offended.  People died because someones invisible sky daddy got his fefes hurt.  An invisible sky daddy who is supposedly omnipotent, who could have stopped each employees heart instantly if he so decided that he wanted them dead. If a cartoon drawn by a non-believer causes you so much rage that you not only want said cartoonist dead, but are willing to take the steps needed to make him or her dead, then you need to visit a mental hospital while you consider exactly how impotent your God is that he needs an insane believer to carry out his wishes.
  • If you have gotten this far, you deserve a reward.  Go listen to some good satire.   Here is The Scathing Atheist’s 100th episode, Je Suis Charlie, and here is Cognitive Dissonance’s 201st, Je Suis Charlie.
  • Yes, I realize I misspelled “Muhammad” every previous time on this page.  It is on purpose, just another little attempt at offense.
  • And finally, while I will again state that none of these comics are actually funny, “knick knack paddy whack, give the prophet a bone” is pretty fucking amusing.