A Double Dose of Afternoon Snark, Hold the Foam.

Would you like some snark with your afternoon coffee?  Here are two stories full of it, one from The Onion, and one that looks like it’s from The Onion.

First, The Onion’s take on the Chick-fil-A kerfluffle: (Also seen at Dispatches….)

ATLANTA—As part of its recent efforts to publicly align itself with fundamentalist Christian values, the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain announced today the debut of its new Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu sandwich that would be on sale in all of the company’s 1,600 restaurants this Wednesday.

……

“The Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu is our company’s way of showing our firm commitment to strong, Christian family values,” said Chick-fil-A spokesman Robert Gary, before adding that the vehemently anti-gay rights sandwich comes served in a combo with waffle fries and a medium soda for just $6.95. “From the very first morsel of this savory meal to the very last bite, customers can envision gays burning in hell with their sodomizing cohorts, and know that our sandwich is on their side.”

Since a percentage of fundamentalists have already shown they can not tell satire from fact, (ahem, “abortionplexanyone?) I expect to see long lines at the local Chick-fil-A this Wednesday.

……

This next story smells like The Onion to me, and it even originally comes from a normally satirical blog, Jesus’ General.  But the General says it is a true story from  Bryan Young  the producer and assistant director of “This Divided State“, and it has been picked up at The Stranger and Mock, Paper, Scissors.  It still sounds too good to be true to me, but even if it never happened, it is definitely funny.

One day in 2010 the baristas were surprised to see Mitt Romney and his wife come to the counter.

Since they’re both Mormon, neither ordered a coffee drink. They each ordered a hot chocolate and took them… without tipping. It seemed odd for someone so wealthy not to tip, but no one thought of it as a big deal. Baristas usually make less than minimum wage and make their living on tips. I understand that it’s not worth Bill Gates’ time to pick up a hundred dollar bill, but Mr. Millionaire couldn’t dump his change in the tip jar?

The man was out of touch…

…only they didn’t know just how out of touch he was until later.

…..

On their way out, Ann throws away her half-consumed hot chocolate, but Mitt approaches the counter. “I know you guys can’t sell this again, but I was wondering if one of you guys wanted the rest of my hot chocolate.”

“No thanks,” one of the other baristas told him, wondering if this was some sort of bizarre joke.

“I don’t want to waste it, there’s still plenty left, it’s still perfectly good…”

You know, I can even picture Mitt doing that.

Babies Are Tasty, Dammit!

From Jezebel comes further evidence of the disconnect between reality and the far right.

Just as zombies crave the delicious chewy flesh of the human brain, so too do pro-abortion rights people crave nothing more than to abort the shit out of every pregnancy. We’re like hormonal teenagers. We’ll abort anything that walks. All day we dream about abortion. At least, according to Mississippi Governor and personhood advocate Phil Bryant.

Got me.  Hell, not only do I keep a coat hanger in my backpack, but I refuse to wear condoms just on the off chance that I’d make a fetus to abort!

Snark aside, what did misogynist Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant say to elicit such furious sarcasm?

You would think that Barack Obama and all those on the left that love so much to talk about women’s health care would rush to support this bill, would just say, ‘absolutely we want the strongest health care, we want admissions privileges, we want that women that is going through that abortion for her life and safety to be paramount,’ well it should be the paramount of the child.

Even if you believe in abortion, the hypocrisy of the left that now tried to kill this bill, that says that I should have never signed it, the true hypocrisy is that their one mission in life is to abort children, is to kill children in the womb. It doesn’t really matter, they don’t care if the mother’s life is in jeopardy, that if something goes wrong that a doctor can’t admit them to a local hospital, that he’s not even board certified. We passed that bill and I think you’ll see other states follow and when that happens at least these fly-in abortionists are going to be regulated under the state laws of the Medical Procedures Act here in the state of Mississippi as they should be across the nation.

Dude, I’m an atheist!  How am I supposed to eat babies if they get aborted?  Enough snark from me, how about some more from Jezebel:

This guy is a governor. Of an entire state.

Thinking that pro-abortion rights is the same as being pro-abortion for everyone is like thinking that being pro-marriage equality is the same as wanting everyone to get gay married. Offering women in Mississippi access to choice will result in a healthier, happier, more economically solvent population. And will also result in millions in profits for those of us who have sunk all of our retirement money into The Secret Liberal Abortion Millionaires Fund.

Dammit, The Secret Liberal Abortion Millionaires Fund was supposed to be a secret!  Just like the abortion-plex was supposed to be our ace in the hole until those meddling pro-lifers proved they couldn’t tell satire from reality if their lives and souls depended upon it.

And Your “Wait….What?” Moment of the Day

Action Alert: American Life League unveils tool to stop Planned Parenthood’s pornographic assault on children.

You will be shocked when you view American Life League’s latest video report. Directed toward adults only, the report, Hooking Kids on Sex, contains jolting, unedited pictures from Planned Parenthood’s community efforts to indoctrinate children and teens into a sick culture of sex. This report is not for the faint of heart. It is, however, a long-overdue wake up call.

The video, their video, linked on their own page in an article about the video, is currently down due to a “copyright claim.”  Hmmm.  It must be those pesky Planned Parenthood folks, conspiring to keep parents in the dark about their master plan to indoctrinate children into a sick culture of sex!

Don’t stop yet, it gets much better.

The report drives home the fact that the abortion giant is given millions of dollars of taxpayer money annually and unfettered access to our children to provide smut that it terms “age appropriate” so it can turn them into sex addicts.

See, Planned Parenthood is trying to turn our children into sex addicts so they get pregnant and go to Planned Parenthood for forced abortions and then the dead fetuses are used in Satanic rituals to force the government to give Planned Parenthood more money!  I admit, I’m reading between the lines a bit there since I can’t watch the video, but we all know about the Planned Parenthood abortion-plex and their contract with Lucifer.  (Click both links to make sure you don’t miss out on the lulz.)

Oh, but this article isn’t finished bringing the batshit insanity.

While most Americans associate Planned Parenthood with abortion,

Actually, most Americans associate Planned Parenthood with birth control and women’s health issues.  But when you’re already demagoguing it up, why not turn it all the way to 11?

Anyway…..

Planned Parenthood has proven that it is a sex business that self-perpetuates itself by first developing obscene sex education materials that promote indiscriminate and risky sexual behavior to our youth through America’s public schools, families and community organizations.

The second step kicks in once the organization has created an environment of sexual risk-taking behavior among youth. It then markets and promotes contraceptive products and programs that have proven to be ineffective in preventing unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

Once the ineffective contraceptives fail, Planned Parenthood completes the cycle selling abortions to the teens it has sucked into its deadly cyclone. Tax-paying Americans who work diligently to contribute to strengthening our country are unwittingly funding the absolutely pornographic and child sexual abuse agenda that Planned Parenthood pushes on our society.

Seriously.  Re-read those last three paragraphs, and realize that it is not satire.  They honestly believe that Planned Parenthood is turning children into sex addicts, then providing them with birth control that doesn’t work on purpose  so the little sex maniacs get pregnant and have to go to the Planned Parenthood AbortionPlex.

For anyone who ever asked me what I mean when I say something is “batshit insane,” there you have it.