Presidential Primary Voters Guide

Wake up, fellow Pennsylvanians, you are not dreaming.  No, for some strange reason your vote in the presidential primary this  year will actually (gasp) matter!  I know, who would have ever thunk it.

Since today was crazy busy and I ran out of time to post anything before the start of the weekend, I thought I would throw a quick voting guide together for my friends on both sides of the aisle.

GOP Presidential Primary

If you(r)…..

  • hold political views that were considered “far right” during Reagan’s time in office.
  • think the hatred and bigotry tainting the primary is unseemly, unless its directed towards women.
  • secretly want to gobble the cocks of every member of Meet the Press.
  • really want to listen to movement conservatives talk about how they would have won if you would have nominated a “true” conservative.
  • honestly want to choose the most electable candidate.
  • version of Christianity demands you provide medical care to the no good poors.
  • You want to waste your vote.

then you should vote for Ohio Governor John Kasich.  He may be a misogynist, but don’t worry, the mainstream media, you know, that you keep calling liberal?, they will make him out to be a sane, moderate choice that everyone can get behind.  Nominate Kasich and after the mainstream media turns him into a uniting force for America, you have the presidency.  Of course, he’s only won the state he is governor of, and if they give him the nomination at the convention over two candidates with far more popular support Cleveland is going to burn.  And a bunch of Trump and Cruz supporters will probably stay home.  Wow, maybe Kasich as the nominee would grab moderates after the media lies to them that Kasich is a moderate, yet still lose the election because of a conservative revolt?  Shit, you guys are fucked.  Sorry.

If you(r)…..

  • hold political views that would have gotten you laughed out of any GOP meeting during the Reagan era.
  • want to cut the federal government down to the armed forces, the FBI, and the FBVI*.
  • love a candidate who will lie constantly, even when he doesn’t have to.
  • want a candidate who’s tax plan will only work if 90% of the government is cut.
  • think we never came close enough to nuclear war during the Cold War and want to try again.
  • think a religious war sounds like a great way to bring the 2010’s to a close.
  • thoughts on the “100 cans of soup” incident were “she should have kept her mouth shut.”
  • want to scare Canada and most of Europe half to death.
  • want to shove your religion so far down everyone’s throats that they think they are shooting for
  • hate women, Catholics, Muslims, wishy-washy Christians, immigrants, and blacks who think their lives matter.

then you should vote for Texas Senator Ted Cruz.  And maybe get yourself some help.

If you(r)…..

  • hold political views that would get you arrested in Germany.
  • think reality television show star is a good qualification for President.
  • really think you should have been alive in 1930’s Germany, that you missed your calling.
  • have a sub-50 IQ.
  • honestly believe (heh) that (ha) Mexico (lol) is (snark) going to (rofl) pay for (it hurts, god) the wall.
  • have small hands and are really self-conscious about it.
  • love all the bigotry of the modern GOP, just not the religion.
  • are deaf except for racist dog whistles.
  • are white and proud to say you hate n-words, k-words, s-words, and any other racial slur you can think up.

then you should vote for short fingered vulgarian Donald Trump.

The Democratic Presidential Primary:

If you(r)…….

  • believe in fairies, unicorns, and that a socialist President could actually get anything passed through a Congress that blocked ideas that originated within their own party because they were suggested by Obama.
  • are a misogynistic Democrat.
  • believe that left wing versions of the House Freedom Caucus and the Tea Party are what the Democrats really need right now.
  • you believe Hillary has it in the bag but you want to vote a message to the Democratic party that we will be dragging the party back to the left.
  • have bought into the media (and GOP) narrative that HRC is the slimy survivor of a thousand scandals. (How dare she not just be a housewife when Bill was President!!!!  And they’ve thrown mud ever since.)
  • are feeling the Bern, even though you will gladly vote for HRC in the general if she is the candidate.
  • honestly think the FBI is going to indict her.  (Personally I think if there was actual evidence of wrong doing they wouldn’t have let her get this far in the primary.)
  • believe income inequality is the number one problem we are facing.

then you should vote for Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.


If you(r)….

  • do not feel we have the votes currently for a complete political revolution.
  • want to maintain the gains we have made while slowly fighting for more while we change the party from the ground up.
  • believe the neo-confederacy is the major problem at this moment, stretching from the bigotry shown to blacks by the police, to loud and proud bigotry directed towards Muslims and Hispanics, to the legalization of discrimination of members of the GLBT community, to the war on a woman’s right to control her own body and her reproductive freedom.
  • think we should stay the course fiscally for a few more years and see if the economy keeps improving.
  • are incredibly curious as to what they will call Bill if HRC becomes President.  First Man?  First Husband?  When they say “President Clinton!” will they both go “What?”  Come on, tell me you are not dying to know how that is going to work.

Then you should vote for former Secretary of State and Senator Hillary Clinton.

A few things quick.  There are a few points in the Sanders column that are negatives.  Needless to say, I do not believe every Bernie voter is a misogynistic Democrat or ideological purists who refuse to compromise.  Unfortunately, some times you need to call a spade a spade, and this election is definitely one of those times with so much outright bigotry on the GOP side.  There are some Democrats who are voting for Sanders because HRC has a vagina.  Hopefully it is a very small amount, but their are some out there.  It also seems that some Sanders supporters think the extreme ideological purity and refusal to compromise shown by the House Freedom Caucus and other Tea Party members is something to envy and foster on the left.  This is straight up painful to me.  There are things about the Tea Party that we should emulate.  They showed that it is possible to move the positions of your party, and that the threat of a primary opponent is incredible leverage once they realize the threat is not hollow.  They also were quickly astroturfed over and guided by the nose by some *cough*Koch*cough* mysterious force, and the uncompromising nature of the House Freedom Caucus provides a great example of how to know when you are doing it wrong.  Like it or not, our system of government demands compromise.

Anyway, just because I wrote a bad reason under Sanders, don’t think I believe all his voters have the same reasons.  Hell, I still may be voting for Sanders in the primary.  I’m leaning HRC, and I honestly believe she is the most qualified, but voting a message to the party is mighty tempting to push her as far to the left as I can.  And no matter what, either of them get my vote immediately in the general.

Oh, and FBVI?  Federal Bureau of Vaginal Investigations.  Duh.


Comedy Recommendation for the Weekend

Do you like to laugh?  Do you like babies?

Do you like to laugh at jokes about eating tasty babies?

If you answered “yes” to the final question, and lets not kid ourselves, of course you did, then click as fast as you can over to The Scathing Atheist and download this weeks episode.  Tom and Cecil of Cognitive Dissonance stop by and join Noah and Heath in an experiment to see if they can actually cause an atheist to laugh him or herself to death.  The title of the episode,the Spittoon Full of Fetuses Edition, refers to the gang’s brilliant idea to get southerners to support abortion rights.  30 seconds?  I want 30 minutes on the clock guys!

Anyway, click, download, listen, and when you snort whatever you’re drinking through your nose, I expect a “thank you” message in my inbox.

Haters Gotta Hate…

And now you can once again listen to one of the best.

If you are a reader of The Onion’s brilliant little sister, The A.V. Club, their snarky, intelligent look into the world of popular culture, then you may be aware of the Tolerability Index, a regular feature contributed by Amelie Gillette.  If you have yet to see one of her indexes, here is a glimpse of what “we’re barely putting up with” for the week of June 25th, 2014.  I’ll wait.

Since my opinion of Dr. Jenny McCarthy, Ph.D from the University of Google, specializing in logical fallacies, fear-mongering, and child endangerment, hardly needs to be restated, I am sure my appreciation of this index comes as a surprise to no one.  But the Tolerability Index is so much more than cheap shots against easy targets.  Rather it is cheap(but deserved) shots against easy(but always deserving) targets.  Her pop culture voice is intelligent, witty, snarky, and familiar.  Rare is the index I find myself in total disagreement over.  That all being said, it is a short, weekly feature.  If you forget about it, you can catch up in moments rather than hours.  It serves as a decent introduction to Amelie, but I always find myself wanting more once I finish a group of indexes.  I guess it is better to always leave them wanting more.

You may be asking yourself at the moment, “Sure, the Tolerability Index is fun and all. definitely worth a weekly click, but damn, in the time it took me to read this post I could have caught up on half a year of indexes.  What gives?”

Well you see, faithful reader, Amelie once had another feature at the A.V. Club; a podcast by the name of “The Hater.” (Or The Hatecast, depending on which sensory organ you use to discover the title.)  The show is more amusing than one has any right to hope, although it is far from perfect.  Perhaps the biggest knock against The Hater is that it is dead.  Not “dead” like Sandor Clegane, Catelyn Stark, or Lord Beric Dondarrion, to borrow from a different reality, but dead like the parrot.  Pushing up the daisies.  The Hatecast is an ex-podcast.  For a cast that deals with pop culture, that could be a blow that shatters any interest you may have held.  Every single episode is dated, and there will not be new casts next week, month, or year.  Perhaps it is due to this fact, or some other reason that escapes my reasoning at the moment, that the podcast is exceedingly difficult to find.  Each original post still appears at The A.V. Club.  I could provide you links to the shows original RSS feed, or the link to the iTunes subscription, but they would do nothing but frustrate.  Everything is there but the actual files.

And if you enjoy the Tolerability Index, that is a shame.  While certainly dated, Amelie provides a window into the culture of the late aughts.  For those of us who lived through those days as adults, or older teens, the cast will bring back a torrent of memories with no risk of a virus coming along for the ride.  They are neither overly long or maddeningly short, clocking in around the 15 minute range.  Each episode features Amelie and a guest vocally publishing a version of the Tolerability Index, except without either the structure of a chart, or the forced brevity of one.  They can go much deeper into each subject than the index allows, although do not read me as saying it becomes high minded social critique.  Each episode is hilarious, and some of the lines are vicious, cutting deep into the never innocent target.  The format is vital in this regard.  Some of the things that are said would not only cross the line, but first order a troupe of dwarves to perform a line removing farce detailing every glorious step taken in the journey across the line, if read.  Much like text messages often give offense due to the lack of vocal tone and inflection.  Coming from Amelie’s mouth, however, all malice falls away from each word as her voice gives it sound.  I can picture her sharing a drink with one of her targets, laughing over the attack.  She doesn’t mock Bruce Willis for explaining, unasked, the proper way to kill a wolf during an unrelated interview because he is a bad person, or an evil person, or even just a jerk; she mocks everyone in the story due to the sheer absurdity of the entire situation.  Bruce for thinking anyone actually cared his opinion on proper wolf slaying, the interviewer for thinking his audience so worships this actor that they would want to read his wolf killing tactics, and the magazine for making the same assumption, and failing to realize that very few people on Earth actually know less about wolf killing than a multimillionaire Hollywood star.  To be honest, the advice sounds like a perfectly good way to get killed by a wolf.  I wonder if the magazine faced any wrongful death or dismemberment lawsuits?  “Your Honor, I did everything Mr. Willis told me to do, yet the wolf still bit my arm off.”

Recently I was in need of a podcast for my listening pleasure.  I didn’t want anything serious, I have many casts that fall into that category.  No, I wanted mindless fun, and I thought relistening to the Hatecast would be just what I needed.  This morning, after searching for longer than I care to admit, I finally found a downloadable archive of The Hatecast.  In case anyone else has fond memories of this ancient podcast and wants to hear the snark again, or if you are a fan of the Tolerability Index and just want more Amelie, I figured I would pass my find on to you, along with 1000 words or so.  (My writing is out of practice, which is a big reason for slow updates.  If I had a thousand Euro’s for every article I trashed halfway finished throughout this month, I’m fairly certain I could emigrate to a Scandinavian locale. ), where I found the downloadable archive of The Hatecast.  I will never again need them, as they are now on my ipod, my hardrive, and on an external backup drive and a flash stick.  Thankfully, they are small files.