Wake up, fellow Pennsylvanians, you are not dreaming. No, for some strange reason your vote in the presidential primary this year will actually (gasp) matter! I know, who would have ever thunk it.
Since today was crazy busy and I ran out of time to post anything before the start of the weekend, I thought I would throw a quick voting guide together for my friends on both sides of the aisle.
GOP Presidential Primary
- hold political views that were considered “far right” during Reagan’s time in office.
- think the hatred and bigotry tainting the primary is unseemly, unless its directed towards women.
- secretly want to gobble the cocks of every member of Meet the Press.
- really want to listen to movement conservatives talk about how they would have won if you would have nominated a “true” conservative.
- honestly want to choose the most electable candidate.
- version of Christianity demands you provide medical care to the no good poors.
- You want to waste your vote.
then you should vote for Ohio Governor John Kasich. He may be a misogynist, but don’t worry, the mainstream media, you know, that you keep calling liberal?, they will make him out to be a sane, moderate choice that everyone can get behind. Nominate Kasich and after the mainstream media turns him into a uniting force for America, you have the presidency. Of course, he’s only won the state he is governor of, and if they give him the nomination at the convention over two candidates with far more popular support Cleveland is going to burn. And a bunch of Trump and Cruz supporters will probably stay home. Wow, maybe Kasich as the nominee would grab moderates after the media lies to them that Kasich is a moderate, yet still lose the election because of a conservative revolt? Shit, you guys are fucked. Sorry.
- hold political views that would have gotten you laughed out of any GOP meeting during the Reagan era.
- want to cut the federal government down to the armed forces, the FBI, and the FBVI*.
- love a candidate who will lie constantly, even when he doesn’t have to.
- want a candidate who’s tax plan will only work if 90% of the government is cut.
- think we never came close enough to nuclear war during the Cold War and want to try again.
- think a religious war sounds like a great way to bring the 2010’s to a close.
- thoughts on the “100 cans of soup” incident were “she should have kept her mouth shut.”
- want to scare Canada and most of Europe half to death.
- want to shove your religion so far down everyone’s throats that they think they are shooting for Throated.com.
- hate women, Catholics, Muslims, wishy-washy Christians, immigrants, and blacks who think their lives matter.
then you should vote for Texas Senator Ted Cruz. And maybe get yourself some help.
- hold political views that would get you arrested in Germany.
- think reality television show star is a good qualification for President.
- really think you should have been alive in 1930’s Germany, that you missed your calling.
- have a sub-50 IQ.
- honestly believe (heh) that (ha) Mexico (lol) is (snark) going to (rofl) pay for (it hurts, god) the wall.
- have small hands and are really self-conscious about it.
- love all the bigotry of the modern GOP, just not the religion.
- are deaf except for racist dog whistles.
- are white and proud to say you hate n-words, k-words, s-words, and any other racial slur you can think up.
then you should vote for short fingered vulgarian Donald Trump.
The Democratic Presidential Primary:
- believe in fairies, unicorns, and that a socialist President could actually get anything passed through a Congress that blocked ideas that originated within their own party because they were suggested by Obama.
- are a misogynistic Democrat.
- believe that left wing versions of the House Freedom Caucus and the Tea Party are what the Democrats really need right now.
- you believe Hillary has it in the bag but you want to vote a message to the Democratic party that we will be dragging the party back to the left.
- have bought into the media (and GOP) narrative that HRC is the slimy survivor of a thousand scandals. (How dare she not just be a housewife when Bill was President!!!! And they’ve thrown mud ever since.)
- are feeling the Bern, even though you will gladly vote for HRC in the general if she is the candidate.
- honestly think the FBI is going to indict her. (Personally I think if there was actual evidence of wrong doing they wouldn’t have let her get this far in the primary.)
- believe income inequality is the number one problem we are facing.
then you should vote for Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.
- do not feel we have the votes currently for a complete political revolution.
- want to maintain the gains we have made while slowly fighting for more while we change the party from the ground up.
- believe the neo-confederacy is the major problem at this moment, stretching from the bigotry shown to blacks by the police, to loud and proud bigotry directed towards Muslims and Hispanics, to the legalization of discrimination of members of the GLBT community, to the war on a woman’s right to control her own body and her reproductive freedom.
- think we should stay the course fiscally for a few more years and see if the economy keeps improving.
- are incredibly curious as to what they will call Bill if HRC becomes President. First Man? First Husband? When they say “President Clinton!” will they both go “What?” Come on, tell me you are not dying to know how that is going to work.
Then you should vote for former Secretary of State and Senator Hillary Clinton.
A few things quick. There are a few points in the Sanders column that are negatives. Needless to say, I do not believe every Bernie voter is a misogynistic Democrat or ideological purists who refuse to compromise. Unfortunately, some times you need to call a spade a spade, and this election is definitely one of those times with so much outright bigotry on the GOP side. There are some Democrats who are voting for Sanders because HRC has a vagina. Hopefully it is a very small amount, but their are some out there. It also seems that some Sanders supporters think the extreme ideological purity and refusal to compromise shown by the House Freedom Caucus and other Tea Party members is something to envy and foster on the left. This is straight up painful to me. There are things about the Tea Party that we should emulate. They showed that it is possible to move the positions of your party, and that the threat of a primary opponent is incredible leverage once they realize the threat is not hollow. They also were quickly astroturfed over and guided by the nose by some *cough*Koch*cough* mysterious force, and the uncompromising nature of the House Freedom Caucus provides a great example of how to know when you are doing it wrong. Like it or not, our system of government demands compromise.
Anyway, just because I wrote a bad reason under Sanders, don’t think I believe all his voters have the same reasons. Hell, I still may be voting for Sanders in the primary. I’m leaning HRC, and I honestly believe she is the most qualified, but voting a message to the party is mighty tempting to push her as far to the left as I can. And no matter what, either of them get my vote immediately in the general.
Oh, and FBVI? Federal Bureau of Vaginal Investigations. Duh.